Humorous DMC Tales
by Shinigami117
Summary: A collection of funny DMC short stories. Inspired by Agent HUNK's Random Hellsing/Bleach/Naruto Tales. No form of Yaoi whatsoever in any of them. Please review!
1. The Competition

**_Humorous _****_DMC_****_ Tales_**

* * *

**_The Competition_**

* * *

"Hey Nero," someone said. Nero turned around to see who had spoken and saw Dante walking toward him with a smug look on his face.

"What's up?" Nero asked.

"You know, the Red Queen is cool and all with it's motorcycle engine, but guess what the Rebellion has now," Dante said with a smirk.

"What? A pizza maker?" Nero said with a sigh.

"No! Though that is a good idea...Anyway, it now has an airplane engine!" Dante exclaimed with glee.

"Dante, please don't waste my time. I'm trying to help clean up the town, you know, something productive?" Nero said.

"Hey! I can do productive things too! You're just a sore loser cause you know my sword's better now," Dante said haughtily.

"I could make the Red Queen better than that piece of junk any day!" Nero said angrily.

"Prove it," Dante taunted.

"You bet I will!" Nero yelled.

* * *

**_Several Days Later_**

* * *

Dante was sleeping on the couch when he heard a knock on the door. "Come in," he said drowsily.

"Check it out, the Red Queen now has a jet plane engine!" Nero said with a grin.

"What! ? Well, I can still beat that!" Dante yelled. And so it began. The swords got more and more ridiculous until one day.

"The Red Queen is now officially unbeatable!" Nero announced.

"Oh yeah? Let's see it then," Dante replied.

"It now has a built in nuke! And if I press this button..."

"No! Don't pr-" Dante was too late. The city exploded. After the mushroom cloud had cleared away it was revealed that there were two survivors. They just stood there and didn't say anything. Nero fell to his knees and started crying.

"I blew up the city! More importantly, I blew up my girlfriend!" he sobbed.

"Look at the bright side, now you don't have to help repair the city!" Dante said.

"This is all your fault!" Nero said with a crazed look in his eyes.

"My fault! ? I tried to tell you not to press the button but no! You just had to press it! This is all your fault, not mine!" Dante exclaimed.

"If you hadn't started this competition this never would have happened!" Nero yelled.

"Fine! I started it so I'll finish it!" Dante yelled as he stomped off.

_What did he mean by that?_ Nero wondered with a worried frown.

* * *

**_Several Weeks Later_**

* * *

"Hey Nero! I told you I'd finish it!" Dante said as he walked up to Nero.

"What is that thing! ?" Nero asked in shock.

"I found the engine of this thing called a Death Star! It's amazing, they say it can blow up whole planets! After that incident with the nuke I decided I wouldn't use a button but a certain, really hard to pull off, motion would trigger it. That way, there's not much of a ch-" before he could finish Nero tackled him.

"I finally found a new girlfriend and I won't let her be blown up!" he screamed.

"Calm down! Everything's fi-" he stopped mid-sentence with a look of horror on his face. Nero had knocked the Rebellion out of his hand and it had spun in the exact motion that would set it off. "Well, what are the cha-" Dante began to say. Then the earth exploded. The only two survivors floated through space. They were riding on a chunk of the planet with dumbfounded looks on their faces. They sat in silence for a while. Finally, Dante broke the silence, "I hate you," he told Nero calmly.

"I hate you more," Nero replied just as calmly.

"I could use that pizza maker about now..." Dante said with a sigh as he stared at the Rebellion.

"Arrrgh!" Nero yelled as he leaped at Dante.

* * *

**_Disclaimer_**: **_I don't own Devil May Cry or the Death Star_**.

_**AN: I would like to thank my older brother for helping me to come up with the ideas for this chapter.**_


	2. The Dangers of Stumbling

**_Humorous _****_DMC_****_ Tales_**

* * *

**_The Dangers of Stumbling_**

* * *

It was 4:00 A.M. and Dante was sitting at his computer doing the thing that has caused insomnia across the world, stumbling (dramatic lightning flashes outside _dun, dun, duuuun!_). Ever since he had gotten stumble he hadn't been able to stop. He looked so bad, even fangirls might have run away. He had huge bags beneath his eyes, his eyelids were only half open, and his hair was even more untidy than usual. In short, he looked like a zombie only without the rotting, but if he stumbled too much longer that could start too.

_I'll hit the button one more time..._ he thought. But he knew he had thought that a thousand times by now. He had been thinking that since Monday, when he had first found stumbleupon. com, now it was Wednesday and he hadn't stopped stumbling since then. Well, he'd had a few breaks. All of those had been when he had fallen asleep at his computer desk. Those didn't last long though, cause he would fall out of the chair and smash his head into the floor. Now let's get back to the story. Dante slowly moved the mouse to the infamous blue and green stumble! button. He clicked on it and then waited for the page to load. It loaded fanfiction. Net. _A fanfic? Hey, it's about me and Vergil!_ He thought in surprise. The title was _A Different Kind of Brotherly Love_. _What's that supposed to mean?_ He wondered. He would soon find out (thunder clash_ dun dun duuun!_). He began to read it. (AN: I'm not actually going to go into detail about what the fanfic said. All I'll say is that it's an M rated, extremely detailed yaoi fanfic between Dante and Vergil). As Dante read his eyes grew wider and wider in horror until it looked like they might pop out of his head. Before he could even read half of it he had to grab a trash can and puke into it._ What sick person would post this! ?_ He wondered in horror. Then he saw the screen name. It was HotBlondDevil. _I wonder... it couldn't be her could it? No, there's no way she'd go that far, anyway, I'm sure there's plenty of girls that would name themselves that...never thought of her as the writing type anyway... _he thought. He shut off his computer and then went to his bed. As he was falling asleep he realized something. _Hey! The sheer horror of that fanfic cured me of my addictio__n_ _to stumble! I can finally sleep peacefully..._ he thought as he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

**_8:00_****_ the Next Morning_**

* * *

"Noooooo! Get away from meeeee!" Dante screamed as he awoke from a horrible nightmare about, well, I think you can guess. He sat up shaking and sweating with a terrified look on his face. _I'll never stumble again!_ He promised himself. He walked downstairs to find Trish waiting for him.

"Dante, did you know you screamed like a girl?" she asked with a grin.

"Shut up..." he drowsily growled.

"Had a ruff night? Well, I hope you don't get any promising customers, you'll scare them all off," she said.

"Whatever...I think pizza might make me feel a little better," he said as he headed toward the fridge.

"Pizza for breakfast? You're hopeless..." Trish said with a sigh. After he had eaten some pizza, took a nap, ate a strawberry sundae, and then took another nap, he felt better. He walked back upstairs to his computer so he could check his email. He was replying to an email from Lady (the email said,

_So when are you going to pay me back__ for_ _that bike you destroyed?_ and his reply was,

_Seeing as you shot me in the head twice after I saved your butt I don't think I owe you anything :p_) when he started thinking about that fanfic and it's author. He thought about the screen name and his suspicions. _I wonder if I could sneak onto her computer_ _and find out if it was her... It's worth a shot!_ He thought. He was wondering when he would get the chance to get on her computer when he heard her call up to him.

"Dante, I'm going clothes shopping with Lady, see you later!" she yelled.

_This is perfect!_ He thought happily. "Ok, I'll see ya!" he yelled back. He listened for the sound of the door closing and then he snuck into her room. He walked over to the computer and saw, to his disappointment, the password screen. _Crap, now what? I guess I_ _just start typing till I find the right one_ he thought with a sigh. After a while he managed to get the right password._ Yes! Now then, to find out of she's the author of that abomination, I'll go to the site, fanfiction. Net wasn't it? And then I'll see if she's signed in _he decided. He typed out the site name and then crossed his fingers. "Please be signed in, please be signed in," he chanted. The site popped up and sure enough it was her. When he looked at her list of written stories it was there. "I was right! I can't believe she's that sick in the head! I'll make her pay!" he shouted.

* * *

**_Later That Day_**

* * *

"Hey Dante! I'm back!" Trish shouted as she walked through the door. Dante was sitting on the couch giving her a look that could kill. "What's wrong? Out of pizza?" she joked nervously.

"I found something interesting on the internet the other day," he said with an evil look in his eyes.

"W-what do you mean?" she asked.

"I think it was called_ A Different Kind of Brotherly Love_ written by HotBlondDevil. You wouldn't happen to know her would you?" he asked menacingly.

"Um, s-sorry, don't know her, hoping for a date?" Trish said as she giggled nervously.

"I know you wrote that sick thing! It gave me nightmares worse then the ones I had when my mother died!" he shouted.

"I'm sorry! It was a joke! That's just something human women seem to like! Don't blame me blame all the fangirls that wrote the reviews, they're the ones who are into that kind of thing!" Trish begged.

"I'll let you live, but there will be consequences. You are no longer welcome here, and if I ever see a, what did you call it? Yaoi? Fanfic again I'll kill you!" Dante shouted.

"I-I'll pack my stuff and leave right n-now!" Trish yelled as she dashed upstairs. She soon came back downstairs with one bag of clothes and darted out the door before Dante had time to react.

_I'm going to delete that stupid fanfic off the web forever_! He decided. He went to her computer and deleted the story once and for all. He then noticed she had other stories. "What's this? DantexTrish? I might have like that if I hadn't seen the VergilxDante first..." he grumbled. "Huh? DantexJester...No...No...No!..she wouldn't...she couldn't! She did! I'll kill her!" Dante roared He then ran out the door after her.

* * *

**_Several Days Later_**

* * *

Trish had disappeared. He couldn't find her anywhere.

S_he must have hid, knowing I would find out eventually _he thought. _I wish I could find all_ _of__ these_ _stinkin fangirls and make them pay! I've read the reviews, I know what monsters they are! Hmmm, I wonder if I could set a trap..._ he thought. He then got an idea. _It just might work!_ He thought. Vergil was checking his email (which was always empty for some reason...) when he saw an email from Dante.

_Why would brother send me an email?_ He wondered. It said,

_Brother, I know we don't see eye to eye, who am I kidding we hate each other, but I need__ you_ _to help me rid the world of a danger that threatens both you and me. You'll understand when you click on the link._

"That's strange... I guess I should check it out," Vergil said with a sigh. He clicked on the link and then began to read. He ran over to a window and puked out of it. "What is this!" he yelled. He quickly replied to the email asking Dante what he wanted him to do. He got a very quick response. It said

_meet me at the Devil__ May_ _Cry. I've got a plan for destroying those accursed fangirls._ Vergil agreed and then went to bed knowing he would have nightmares.

* * *

**_The Next Day_**

* * *

"So, what's your plan, brother?" Vergil asked.

"We start out by emailing them a link to a fanfic we write and saying it's great yoai. When they come to it we use a virus I created to track down their exact location and then we kill them!" Dante started laughing evilly.

"How did you create this amazing virus? You're not exactly the smartest person I know, scratch that, you're an idiot, so how did you manage to make this?" Vergil asked in amazement.

"I'll ignore that... But anyway, it seems when I snapped after seeing the Dantex- never mind you don't need to know, my mind became clearer and I decided I would do and could do anything to make those fangirls pay!" Dante said.

"That doesn't make any sense..." Vergil said.

"Since when did I make sense?" Dante asked.

"You've got a point," Vergil agreed.

* * *

**_Several Hours Later_**

* * *

Vergil and Dante had tracked down a ton of girls with their plan. They had emailed them a link to a fake yaoi fanfic that was really just a lengthy story going on and on about how wonderful pizza is. Of course, the girls would click on the link thinking they would get to see yaoi, and then they would read it hoping it would convert to yaoi while Dante and Vergil used the program to track them down. It worked for a while until the girls started warning each other. So then Vergil emailed them instead only this time it was a story going on and on about how humans suck and demons are far superior. This one didn't last as long cause the girls were more prepared but they did find the locations of a few more girls. Then they got the list of addresses and split up.

"We'll meet back at the Devil May Cry. Kill as many as you can," Vergil said.

"Don't have to tell me twice!" Dante yelled as he ran off to go slay fangirls.

* * *

**_Sometime Late at Night_**

* * *

"What took you so long?" Vergil asked as a very tired but happy looking Dante came through the door.

"I found that fangirl hunting is as fun and rewarding as demon hunting! You can steal their wallets after you've killed them so you still get paid. And I know I'm doing the world a favor so I don't feel bad at all!" Dante said cheerfully.

"I think you need some sleep. I need some too, and some Tylenol cause my head hurts after hearing all those fangirl squeals," Vergil said.

"Well see you in the mor-" Dante stopped and stared in horror out the window.

"What's wrong?" Vergil asked. Dante didn't reply. Vergil turned to look and then he started staring in horror as well. There were thousands of them. The entire shop was surrounded by fangirls all with psychotic expressions.

"W-what's going on? Why are they here? H-how could they know? What do we do! ?" Dante screamed.

"Calm down! I'm sure we can handle them. We'll just have to barricade ourselves inside and shoot, in my case stab, out the window. They can't kill us, They're only humans," Vergil said, trying to reassure him.

"We're not here to kill you. We're going to *the last half of this sentence is censored*" one fangirl said.

"Noooo! Anything but that! We've got to get out of here!" Dante sobbed.

"Oh quit your whining! We are the sons of Sparda! We can handle these girls!" Vergil snapped.

"We can't! We're doomed!" Dante screamed. Vergil simply walked over and smacked him. He blinked at Vergil.

"Get over yourself, we can simply go devil trigger and fly away if we have to. But I think we should kill them first," Vergil said.

"I vote for running away! Do you see how many there are? I won't risk them doing**_ 'that'_** to us!" Dante exclaimed.

"Dante, I recently found a fanfic that was named _The Forbidden Love_, it was DantexMundus," Vergil said simply.

"They must die!" Dante screamed as he kicked the door down and ran outside firing the Ebony and Ivory.

_That worked..._ Vergil thought. They both killed as many fangirls as they could. However, there were too many and they both, to their embarrassment, were forced to go devil trigger to stay out of their reach. Eventually they killed almost all of them. A few got away, but that wasn't too much of a problem. Vergil and Dante shook hands.

"It was great to get to work together," Dante said.

"I'm proud of you, little brother. You've finally killed some humans," Vergil said. Then they noticed several half dead fangirls staring at them. They looked down and realized they were holding hands.

"Ugh! Get away from me!" they both shouted as the leaped away from each other.

* * *

**_Disclaimer: I don't own stumbleupon. com, fanfiction. net, or Devil May Cry._**

**_AN: I would like to thank my older brother for helping me come up with the ideas to get this chapter started.  
_**


	3. The Mysteries Solved

**_Humorous _****_DMC_****_ Tales_**

* * *

**_The Mysteries Solved_**

* * *

Dante and Vergil were at it again, and neither seemed to be able to beat the other.

"Let's rest," Dante suggested. Vergil nodded and they sat down and glared at each other for a while. "Where do all those swords come from?" Dante finally asked.

"Well, if you must know, my coat is not only cooler than yours but it has endless storage where I can keep all my swords. A guy named Anderson (AN: yes, I got the endless storage thing from Agent HUNKS's Random Hellsing Tales) sold it to me," Vergil said proudly.

"That's all? Mine can do that too, only I can store infinite amounts of bullets for the Ebony and Ivory. And guns are much better than magic swords," Dante said proudly.

"Well, I can store hair gel in it too, that's why my hair is so easy to spike up. And chicks dig spiky hair," Vergil replied haughtily.

"I can store motorcycles in mine, and chicks dig guys on motorcycles,' Dante replied even more haughtily.

"You say you have so many fangirls so why don't you have a girlfriend?" Vergil asked with a smirk.

"It's cause demons keep eating them! And the ones that demons don't eat I owe tons of money to!" Dante sobbed. Vergil sighed, if Dante just cried over his lack of girlfriends through their entire fight it would make the fight less of a challenge and less fun. So he had to make him feel better.

"Here, have a pizza," Vergil said as he pulled a pizza out of his coat.

"Yay!" Dante exclaimed. After he finished the pizza he sighed in defeat and said, "Vergil, you win, I'll admit it, your coat is better than mine. I've never had a pizza in mine." Vergil grinned triumphantly. "Now let's see who's really better!" Dante yelled as he rushed at Vergil.

"You're on!" Vergil yelled as he rushed at Dante.

* * *

**_Disclaimer: I don't own Devil May Cry or Anderson._**

_**AN: I would like to thank my older brother for giving me the ideas for this chapter.  
**_


	4. The Competition Part 2

**_Humorous _****_DMC_****_ Tales_**

* * *

**_The Competition Part 2_**

* * *

"Hey Nero, about that competition... Don't you think we should decide who the winner was? I believe I won seeing as my weapon had the most power," Dante said.

"Nope, you lose by disqualification cause you blew up the planet!" Nero shouted.

"Well, you blew up a city so shouldn't that mean you lost too? We were judging by power so that means I won," Dante said smugly.

"I am so close to killing you right now!" Nero shouted.

"Um, ok, I'll shut up now," Dante said quickly. There was a moment of silence. "Nero?" Dante asked tentatively.

"What?" Nero asked with a dangerous look in his eyes.

"Um, I was thinking... Shouldn't we get rid of the engines in our weapons?" Dante suggested.

"Why? It's not like there's anything left to blow up," Nero said.

"Well, what if we get lucky and find another planet? We don't want to blow it up too," Dante said.

"Fine, let's destroy the engines, I still have Red Queen's original engine so I'll just put it back in," Nero said. They very carefully removed the engines and then destroyed them with their swords.

"And now we wait," Dante said with a sigh.

"You're not aloud to complain, _you're_ the reason we're out here!" Nero said angrily.

"Blame me if you want but it doesn't help our situation," Dante replied.

"Whatever," Nero said.

* * *

**_One Month Later_**

* * *

Somehow, they were still alive and drifting along. Dante was staring at Nero and his mouth was watering.

"Why are you staring at me like that?" Nero asked with a scared tone.

"Such a big, tasty looking pizza..." Dante mumbled while staring at him.

"Dante? Are you alright?" Nero asked as he started backing away.

"Piiizaaa!" Dante yelled as he leaped at him.

"Get away from meeee!" Nero yelled as he started running in circles. After a while Nero managed to knock him out with the Red Queen and then he just sat there and watched his unconscious form carefully. Dante sat up and looked around.

"What happened?" He asked with a confused look on his face.

"You don't remember? I guess I hit you harder than I thought. That's probably for the best," Nero said.

"Nero! Look it's, well, I'm not sure what it is, but anyway, look at that thing!" Dante shouted as he pointed at something. Nero turned around and gasped. It was a huge, planet sized ring floating in space.

"What is that thing! ?" Nero exclaimed.

"I'm not sure but I think we're about to hit it!" Dante yelled.

"Maybe there's girls, err, I mean other people on it!" Nero said cheerfully.

"Maybe there's alien pizza on it!" Dante said in excitement.

"This is, of course, assuming we survive the crash..." Nero said.

"We survived our planet exploding, I'm sure we can survive this," Dante said.

"You've got a point," Nero said.

* * *

**_After The Crash_**

* * *

"Of all the places we could crash into on this planet, why did it have to be a stinkin swamp?" Nero complained.

"Well at least we're in good health," Dante said.

"Let's see if we can find any people, humans or aliens, I don't care which as long as their girls our pretty," Nero said.

"I hope they have good pizza!" Dante said.

"You realize that we could have the only planet that's ever created pizza right?" Nero asked.

"Don't speak such nonsense, it's so good I'm sure other people would have invented it," Dante said.

"Yeah...whatever you say..." Nero replied.

"There seems to be some large structure up ahead, let's go in!" Dante yelled as he ran off.

"Wait up!" Nero yelled as he ran after him.

"Huh, I don't see any signs of life," Nero said.

"Anyone home? Helloooo!" Dante yelled.

"You know, they might not be friendly aliens," Nero said.

"And if they're not I'm sure we can take them," Dante said.

"I hope so..." Nero replied with a worried frown. They continued to move deeper and deeper into the structure. At one point they came across a bunch of dead alien bodies. "See, what did I tell you!" Nero exclaimed.

"Look at how small, ugly, and pathetic these things are! I'm sure we could take them," Dante said. Nero just sighed and continued on. They heard a commotion up ahead and dashed toward it. They saw a bunch of short, ugly, squeaky aliens running in terror.

"The demon will kill us all! He's everywhere!" one of them screamed.

"A demon?" Nero and Dante said simultaneously. Then they saw it. It was tall and covered in alien blood. It wore green armor and a helmet that hid its face. It stopped and stared at them in surprise.

"That thing's gotta be a demon! Let's kill it!" Dante yelled as he rushed at it. His sword bounced off an invisible force field. "Huh! ?" Dante exclaimed.

"Let me have a crack at it!" Nero yelled as he rushed at it.

"Wai-" it began to say. It was too late. Nero smashed it into the ground with the Devil Bringer. He smashed it until it stopped moving.

"Well, that's done with," Nero said happily.

"Let's go find something else to kill!" Dante said. Then something very hot hit him in the back. "Ow! It burns!" Dante shouted in pain. The small aliens were standing there pointing strange, glowy pistols at them.

"Hey! We just saved your butts!" Nero yelled in anger. He quickly killed them all and then ran over to check on Dante. "Are you okay?" he asked in concern.

"No! Not only does it hurt like hell, but it messed up my awesome coat!" Dante whined.

"Oh shut up, and to think I was actually worried..." Nero grumbled. They made their way all the way down through the structure until they came upon a certain door. "Something seems off here, like we're being watched..." Nero said nervously.

"You're a wuss! I'm sure we can handle whatever's waiting for us on the other side of this door," Dante scoffed. The door opened and dumped a horribly mangled corpse in his arms. He stared at it for a moment with wide eyes. "Aaah!" he yelled in surprise as he flung it away from him. Nero sniggered at him. "Shut up! It just took me by surprise," Dante snapped. Nero continued to snigger but Dante just ignored him. He was busy carefully peering into the room. "I don't see anything..." he said. Nero walked past him into the room and looked at all the corpses.

"These were humans!" he said with glee.

"Let's hope we can find some living ones," Dante said. Then they heard a strange sound. They spun around to see some doors burst open and a tidal wave of small, round, slimy things with tentacles bounce out. "What the crap are those things! ?" Dante exclaimed.

"I don't know but they don't look friendly!" Nero said. They managed to kill all of them without letting them get too close. And that's when they met the new form. They were running for the door after having killed all the infection forms when two combat forms leaped out of the darkness. "What are those things! ? Zombies! ?" Nero exclaimed in horror. After they killed them and headed back through the door they discovered that there was plenty more where those came from.

* * *

**_Several Hours Later_**

* * *

"I never thought I would miss the sight of a swamp this much!" Nero panted. They had fought a seemingly endless wave of those creatures and they were both worn out. They had discovered that these things didn't feel pain and their vital organs weren't all that vital to them anymore. So a stab through the chest didn't do a lot of good. Nero's Devil Bringer worked wonders however. He could easily turn them to a pile of mush. Dante had discovered the hard way what happened when one got on you. Luckily, Nero had been there to save him.

"Aww man! They're out here too!" Dante whined as more flood popped out of bushes and attacked them. After a while they stumbled across a structure in the center of the swamp. They climbed the structure so they wouldn't have to worry about sneak attacks.

"Hello, reclaimers," a strange glowing blue orb said as it floated in mid air.

"What the heck are you?" Nero asked.

"I am 343 Guilty Spark, and you are the reclaimers. The sentinels will clean up the flood here so come with me please," 343 said.

"Wha-" Nero began. He was cut off when 343 teleported him and Dante away.

"Where are we?" Dante asked.

"We are in the library. We must retrieve the index so we can stop the flood," 343 said.

"What exactly are the flood? And what's this index?" Dante asked.

"Why do you ask such questions when you already know the answers?" 343 asked in confusion.

"But we don't know..." Dante said.

"The flood are a parasitic life form. They take over the bodies and minds of any sentient beings they come across. As for the index, it is the key to activating this ring," 343 explained.

"What happens when we activate the ring?" Nero asked.

"All of the flood will be destroyed," 343 said simply.

"Well, that sounds good enough for me! Let's go get this index!" Dante said cheerfully.

"That's the spirit!" 343 said.

* * *

**_Many Hours Later_**

* * *

Neither Dante nor Nero was cheerful now. They had discovered (they had discovered a lot of thing recently) that the library was not only infested with flood, but it never seemed to end. They were beginning to wonder if they would ever reach their destination. Another problem was 343. He had a nasty habit of abandoning them and leaving them to fend for themselves with no directions. His incessant jabbering was also very annoying. He was in the middle of some jabbering when Dante finally snapped.

"Would you just shut up!" he yelled. Guilty Spark stopped and looked at him in surprise.

"Now Reclaimer, there's no need to be rude," 343 chided.

"Rude! ? Rude! ? I'll show you rude! I'll rip that stupid glowy blue eyeball right out of your head!" he yelled. Nero sighed. He was annoyed too but he knew it wouldn't do any good. Guilty Spark wasn't all that there and any sort of insult or sarcasm seemed to be lost on him. Nero knew, he had tried to insult it or make sarcastic remarks multiple times and they never worked.

_I hope we find the index soon..._ he thought as Dante ranted at 343.  
_Yes! We've finally got it!_ Nero thought happily as they walked toward it. Dante was staring at it as if it were the last pizza on the planet. He grabbed it and hugged it before 343 jerked it out of his hands.

"Hey! Give that back!" Dante shouted.

"I'm sorry, but you could fall victim to the flood. So I must carry this to our destination," 343 said.

"Strange how we managed to get here without 'falling victim to the flood'," Dante muttered. Guilty Spark just ignored him like he always did. Guilty Spark teleported them to a large room they'd never seen before.

"Where are we?" Nero asked.

"The control room for the ring," 343 answered. He floated over to a large, glowy control panel. "This is where you are to insert the index," he said. Nero and Dante stepped forward to take it at the same time. They stopped and glared at each other.

"I should get to do it cause I've got something personal against the flood!" Dante said motioning at his now healed neck wound.

"I think I should take it cause you'll likely blow the place up!" Nero said angrily.

"Yeah right! It was your fault last time, not mine!" Dante shouted.

"Who installed the Death Star engine? I can tell you it wasn't me!" Nero shouted back.

"Please, this isn't nec-" 343 began.

"Oh shut it!" the both shouted at him at the same time.

"Fine..." 343 said sulkily. Guilty Spark watched them for a while before he finally decided he'd had enough. "Silence, please!" he shouted. They both stopped and stared at him in amazement. "I'll give it to you, Nero," 343 said.

"Why him?" Dante asked. "Because he didn't shout at me but once, you've done it multiple times," 343 sniffed.

"Good enough reasoning for me!" Nero said cheerfully. He accepted the index from 343 and then went to place it in its slot. But before he could Dante dived at him and knocked it out of his hand. "Hey!" Nero shouted. They started wrestling over it.

_And they call me_ _annoying..._ 343 thought.

"Got it!" Dante yelled. As he went to stick in its slot Nero knocked him forward and caused him to mash several buttons and break a few things on the control panel. "Oops, hope those weren't important," Dante said.

"Weren't important! You just activated the self destruct mechanism! I didn't even know that it was possible to activate it that way!" 343 shouted.

"Well, I guess it's time to get outta here then, right, Nero?" Dante asked. Nero was busy staring at a see through blue girl that had appeared and didn't look happy.

"I was gathering important data before you twits interrupted me!" she said angrily.

"I think you'd better get outta here. This place is about to explode," Dante said.

"I can't, I'm an A.I." she replied.

"A what?" Dante asked.

"Artificial Intelligence. But despite being an A.I. I still have more brains than you!" she snapped.

"This place is gonna explode so I think I'm gettin outta here," Dante said as he turned to leave.

"Don't bother, I think I can stop the explosion for a while," she said.

"Really? cool," Dante said.

"Why is that guy drooling at me?" she asked as she pointed at Nero.

"You might be an A. something another, but you're still pretty... What's your name?" Nero asked.

"Cortana, and would you please stop drooling?" Cortana demanded.

"Okay, will you be my girlfriend?" Nero asked.

"I wish Master Chief were here, maybe he could get rid of the idiots," she said with a sigh.

"Who's he? He's not your boyfriend is he?" Nero asked with a worried frown.

"No, he's a 7 foot tall, green armored super warrior," she said.

"Crap, we kinda killed that guy..." Dante said.

"You what! ?" Cortana shouted.

"Well, Nero's the one who did the killing," Dante said.

"Shut up! You're not supposed to tell her that!" Nero yelled.

"That's it! I can't let Halo or my data fall into enemy hands. Master Chief and everyone else, other than you idiots, are dead so I'm going to let this place blow up!" Cortana shouted.

"No!" 343, Nero, and Dante all yelled at the same time. Then Halo blew up. The last 3 survivors floated through space. Nero looked horrified, Dante looked annoyed, and 343 was going into spasms, well, as much as a glowy ball could anyway.

"How could you idiots do this! ?" 343 shouted.

"Oh shut it," Dante said. Then he kicked it and sent it flying off into space. "Well, at least we don't have to deal with him anymore, right, Nero?" Dante said.

"You cheated me out of another girlfriend! I'll kill you!" Nero yelled as he rushed at Dante.

"Calm down, she wasn't even really alive," Dante said as he dodged him. _At least our chunk of planet is__ bigger this time. More space to run away_ he thought as he ran from Nero.

* * *

**_Disclaimer: I don't own Devil May Cry or Halo_**

_**AN: I would like to thank my older brother for helping me a little in coming up with the ideas for this chapter.  
**_


	5. A DMC Christmas

**_Humorous _****_DMC_****_ Tales_**

* * *

**_A _****_DMC_****_ Christmas_**

* * *

Dante was sulking in a corner of the Devil May Cry glaring at everyone nearby. Lady, Trish, and Patty had teamed up to decorate his shop for Christmas and he was unable to complain seeing as Lady and Trish had already promised they would do nasty things to him if he interfered. He wouldn't have minded a few decorations but they were drowning the place in them. He preferred pizza boxes as decoration to the kinda stuff Patty was having put up. Lady walked over and picked up a pizza box and tossed it in the trash.

"Hey! That still had pizza in it!" Dante whined.

"It was probably a week old, not mention there was only one slice in it!" Lady said.

"What's your point?" Dante asked.

"You're hopeless," Lady said while shaking her head. After several hours they had finally finished decorating. Everybody looked happy except Dante.

"Couldn't you have used normal decorations instead of this crap?" Dante whined. Patty had picked out all of the most pink and frilly decorations she could find.

"Stop whining, as soon as Christmas is over you can remove them," Trish said.

"But what if customers see them? The girls will think I'm gay and ignore me!" Dante whined.

"If it's a girl customer they'll know you're strait as soon as you open your mouth," Lady said.

"If anyone makes a comment just say your daughter put them up," Patty said.

"Fine, whatever," Dante replied.

* * *

**_Two Weeks Later_**

* * *

Patty's plan had worked brilliantly. Not only did they believe his story that he had let his daughter put them up but several of his female customers thought it was sweet of him for letting her pick the decorations. Realizing they were his chance of finally getting a date, Dante stopped whining about the decorations. He started ignoring them after a while and acting like they weren't even there. Some of the worst decorations were hidden by piles of pizza boxes.

* * *

**_On Christmas Day_**

* * *

Dante was sleeping peacefully on the couch when someone started shaking him awake.

"What're ya doing?" He asked drowsily.

"Wake up, lazy!" Patty shouted.

"Why should I?" Dante whined.

"Cause it's Christmas, stupid!" Patty said.

"It is?" Dante asked.

"How could you forget! ?" Patty exclaimed.

"I finished my shopping weeks ago so there was nothing to remind me," Dante said.

"I don't ever remember you Christmas shopping. And nothing to remind you? What about all the decorations! ?" Patty exclaimed.

"My shopping trip was very short, and I did it while you were with your mother. As for the decorations, I was ignoring them," Dante said simply.

"Whatever, just come open presents with us," Patty said impatiently.

"Fine," Dante said.

"What are you hoping to get?" Patty asked.

"Maybe some cash to pay off my debts and, of course, some pizza," Dante said.

"You're boring," Patty whined.

"You're annoying," Dante retorted.

"Could you please stop arguing? The rest of us would like to enjoy Christmas without you two giving us headaches," Lady said with an annoyed frown.

"Whatever," Dante said. They all sat around the Christmas tree.

"So who's gonna pass the presents?" Trish asked.

"Make Dante do it," Patty said.

"All in favor of making Dante actually do something useful for once?" Trish asked. Everyone other than Dante raised their hands.

"Why me?" Dante whined.

"Stop complaining and pass some presents," Lady said.

"Fine..." Dante grumbled as he crawled under the tree. He handed out everyone's presents before gathering his own.

"This is a beautiful dress! Thanks so much Trish!" Patty exclaimed.

"You're welcome, and thank you for the clothing," Trish said cheerfully. Patty received a doll from Lady, Lady received some nice clothing from Trish, and Trish received some clothing from Lady.

"What's this? More clothing... from Dante! ?" Lady exclaimed.

"Yep," Dante said with a grin.

_There's__ something not right about this..._ Lady thought, and she was right. She unfolded the clothing only to see one of the skimpiest outfits she'd ever laid eyes on. "I'll kill you!" she shouted as she started to leap at Dante.

"Wait! That was just a joke! Look at my other present!" Dante said quickly. She glared at him before sitting down and opening the other one.

"Keys?" she asked.

"They're for a new motorcycle," Dante said.

"Thank you, even if you already owed this to me," Lady said. Trish opened the present she had received from Dante.

"Some jewelry? It's beautiful! But how did you manage to a afford it?" Trish asked.

"Oh, well I requested one of the female clients to give me her jewelry as payment," Dante said.

"You're cheap, did you know that, Dante?" Trish said with a glare.

"Hey, give me a break, I am in debt you know, it's a miracle I got you jerks anything," Dante said. Trish just continued to glare at him. Meanwhile, Patty was opening her present from Dante. She was expecting the worst. It was a kit for making your own strawberry sundaes.

"That's...nice," she said.

"That way you won't have to steal mine, you can make your own now. Another upside is that it'll give you something to do other than bug me," Dante said.

"You jerk!" Patty exclaimed. She then stormed out of the room.

"Dante!" Lady exclaimed in anger.

"What? I don't see what her problem is," Dante grumbled.

"She came here to have Christmas instead of with her mother. She said she felt bad when she thought of you all alone on Christmas day!" Lady yelled.

"I didn't ask her to come..." Dante grumbled.

"I'm taking my present back," Lady said.

"I doubt it was any good," Dante jeered.

"It was a letter saying I freed you of all debts to me," Lady said with an evil grin as she snatched it.

"No! I'm sorry, I'll go apologize to her right now!" Dante begged.

"Okay, it's a deal, you apologize, I'll give back my present," Lady said. He growled at her and then ran off to find Patty. "There's three presents left," Lady said.

"One is from me to Dante, another is from Patty to Dante, and the other is... From Dante to Patty, that's not good," Trish said with a sigh. Dante had managed to catch up with Patty.

"Wait up," he panted as he ran up to her. She ignored him and kept walking. "I'm sorry, ok?" he said. She continued to ignore him. "Look, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, it was just a joke," he pleaded.

"Did Lady force you to apologize?" she asked.

"Um, well..." he said slowly.

"I was right! You don't care at all!" she sobbed. She tried to run away from him but he grabbed her.

"I really am sorry. Please, just come back and open your other presents!" he begged her.

"Shut up jerk!" she screamed. She tore away from him and ran off down the street. He sighed and then headed back toward his shop.

"So how did it go?" Lady asked.

"Horrible, she wouldn't even let me apologize," he said.

"Well I guess I'm keeping this then," she said as she waved her present around.

"Hey, I tried my best!" he exclaimed.

"Well your best wasn't good enough," she said with a grin.

"It's not my fault she overreacted!" he growled.

"We saw your second present to her," Trish said. He didn't reply. "You need to trick her into opening it," Trish said.

"How?" he asked.

"Leave it at her house," Lady suggested.

"She'd probably throw it out a window," Dante muttered.

"You've got a point," Lady said.

"Before we worry about that, open my present," Trish said.

"Okay," Dante said. He unwrapped it and then just sat there staring at it.

"It's an amulet just like your mother gave you, only without the magic," Trish said.

"Trish..." Dante said as he stared at it.

"All I want in return is some jewelry you yourself picked out next year," Trish said.

"Thank you," Dante said sincerely.

"Oh, Patty had a present for you," Lady said. He opened it to find a coupon for some pizza.

"Well that was nice of her," he said with a yawn. "I'm going to sleep now," Dante said as he plopped down on the couch.

"You're not going to try to get this gift to Patty?" Lady asked.

"It'll work itself out, she'll come back eventually," Dante said.

"You're just too lazy to do anything," Lady complained. But Dante had already fallen asleep.

* * *

**_Several Hours Later_**

* * *

Patty walked into the Devil May Cry and glanced around. Sure enough, Dante was asleep.

_I'll just sneak in and see what my other present was_ she thought. She crept over and grabbed her present and then snuck back out. She went back to her house to unwrap it. She noticed it had been hastily re-wrapped. She opened it up and let out a cry of shock. Inside was the most beautiful necklace she'd ever seen. It was a locket with a picture inside of her and her mother together. _How did he get this?_ She wondered. Her mother walked into the room with a big smile on her face.

"I had the picture copied into a small enough size and I paid for the locket to be made. Dante came up with the idea and what the locket was to look like," she said.

"I can't believe I called Dante a jerk and was so mean to him!" Patty wailed.

"Do you really think you hurt his feelings? He was probably glad you didn't open it while he was there. He would've hated you getting all mushy like this," she said with a grin.

"I'm going to apologize right now!" Patty said as she headed for the door.

"Don't bother, you'll just make him uncomfortable," she said.

"Well, okay..." Patty said uncertainly.

_Our plan worked perfectly, Dante_ her mother thought with a smile.

* * *

**_Disclaimer: I don't own Devil May Cry._**

**_AN: I don't really care for this Christmas one but I wrote another I like better. I'll release it next Christmas.  
_**


	6. The Girlfriend From Hell

**_Humorous _****_DMC_****_ Tales_**

* * *

**_The Girlfriend From Hell_**

* * *

There was a knock on the door of the Devil May Cry (yes, it actually had an intact door). Dante stretched and yawned as he got up off the couch where he had been napping. He walked over to the door and opened it. A pretty young girl with long blond hair and bright green eyes greeted him.

"Here's the pizza you delivered, sir," she said cheerfully.

"Thanks babe. Haven't seen you before, are ya new?" Dante asked.

"Yep, just recently got the job," she replied happily.

"I hope you get to deliver my pizza more often," Dante said with a grin.

"Why? Do you think I'm pretty?" she asked with a giggle.

"Sure do babe," he replied.

"Thanks! I hope I get to deliver here more often too!" she said with some more giggles. She then turned to leave.

"Wait, what's your name?" Dante asked.

"Selena," she answered with a wave as she left.

_Wow, a girl actually showed interest in me!_ Dante thought cheerfully. He then ate his pizza and went back to sleep.

* * *

**_The Next Day_**

* * *

Dante had just got out of the shower when he heard a knock on the door. He opened the door to see Selena smiling and holding a pizza.

_A hot__ babe, that actually likes me, with pizza, I wish I could have more days like this_ Dante thought. Selena was busy looking like she might drop the pizza.

_I actually saw Dante shirtless!_ She thought excitedly. She looked like she might drool at any time.

_ A girl is actually checking me out!_ Dante thought in surprise. She quickly snapped out of it and gave him his pizza. Before he even had the chance to flirt she ran off. _That was strange_ Dante thought. He just shrugged and then started eating his pizza.

* * *

**_One Week Later_**

* * *

Every day Selena had delivered his pizza and every time she ran off. Dante was disappointed because he thought he had finally managed to get a girlfriend. He heard a knock on the door.

_Here we go again_ he thought with a sigh. He opened the door and accepted the pizza. Selena stood there and stared at him with a nervous look on her face. "What's wrong?" He asked.

"Well, u-um, I just wanted to ask if y-you wanted to go on a d-date with me?" She barely managed to get out.

"That's all? Of course I do!" Dante exclaimed. She then leaped at him and started hugging him so hard it hurt. "You're smothering me!" he gasped.

"Sorry!" she squeaked as she quickly let go. "Tomorrow night at 6 P.M." she chirped before running off.

_I hope this goes well..._ Dante thought.

* * *

**_The Next Night at _****_6:00 P.M._**

* * *

"Dante, you're so hot," Selena purred.

"I know, aren't I?" Dante said with a grin. Selena moved closer to him and then transformed into Jester.

"Give me a kiss!" Jester yelled as he leaped at Dante.

"Noooo!" Dante screamed in horror. His eyed snapped open._ I didn't know nightmares could be that horrible_ Dante thought with a shudder. He heard a knock on the door. Before he could manage to even put his hand on the doorknob the door burst open and she practically tackled him.

"What do you wanna do? See a movie? Eat at an expensive restaurant? Or would you rather just hang out?" she asked.

"Erm, how about a movie and then some pizza?" Dante suggested.

"Whatever you want," Selena purred.

"Don't do that!" Dante yelled as he jumped away from her.

"Do what?" She asked.

"Never mind, I just had a bad dream..." he said.

"Let's go!" she said cheerfully as she dragged him out the door.

* * *

**_Later That Night_**

* * *

Dante was already regretting the date. Selena was way too peppy and clingy for his liking. He couldn't walk without having to peel her off of himself. Also, every time a girl would even glance in his direction Selena would give them a death glare. The movie was over and they were at a restaurant eating pizza. Dante planned on wolfing down his pizza and ending the date as quickly as possible. The only upside was that Selena was paying for the movie and meal. A group of teenage girls were sitting at a nearby table. They kept glancing at Dante and giggling.

_I hope Selena__ doesn't notice for their sake_ Dante thought.

"I need to go to the bathroom, be right back," Selena said. As soon as she left Dante turned around and waved at the group of girls with a grin on his face. The girls giggled and waved back. Just as they did Selena popped out of nowhere and gave a war cry before rushing at them and attempting to beat the crap out of them. Dante ran over and pulled her off of them. "Get off me you cheater!" she screamed.

"If you don't stop they'll call the cops on us," Dante warned.

"I don't care!" she yelled.

"I do, now come on," Dante growled as he started dragging her away. She kicked at him but he just ignored her. He dragged her outside before the girls had a chance to tell the employees what had happened. She quietly followed him back to the Devil May Cry. Dante turned to see her crying. "What's you problem?" Dante questioned.

"You! I can't believe you would cheat on me on our first date!" She sobbed.

"I just waved at them! That doesn't qualify as cheating!" he exclaimed.

"But what would have happened if I hadn't been spying on you?" she screeched.

"Nothing! I was just joking! I wouldn't have done anything and even if I had it would have been your fault for driving me crazy on this stupid date!" he yelled.

"I was just trying to make you happy!" she wailed. He sighed in annoyance.

"Look, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings but this just isn't gonna work," he said simply.

"You can't leave me! The only reason I even became a pizza deliverer was so I could see you every day!" she sobbed.

"Wait, what? How did you know about me? I sure don't remember meeting you before that first time you delivered my pizza," Dante asked.

"I saw you eating at the pizza place one day and I knew it was love at first sight," she began. Dante rolled his eyes but she didn't notice. "I went to eat there every day hoping to see you again, but you never came. One day I heard some employees complaining about an annoying customer. They said he ordered pizza almost every day but he never paid his bill. I asked them who he was out of curiosity and they said he was some white haired punk named Dante. I realized it must be you and so I applied for a job there in hopes of getting to deliver your pizza and finally meet you and ask you out on a date," she said sadly.

_Good, she finally calmed down_ Dante thought. "So you're basically a creepy stalker," Dante said.

"No! Don't you understand love at first sight?" she wailed.

_Crap, now she's freaking out again_ he thought with a sigh. "Love at first sight is supposed to work for both sides, and sorry babe but I don't love you," Dante said.

"But why! ?" she cried.

"Cause your insane," he said simply. She cried and then jumped in her car and left. _I really do have rotten luck with women..._ Dante thought grumpily.

* * *

**_Several Weeks Later_**

* * *

Selena had disappeared. He never got any phone calls from her and she stopped coming to the Devil May Cry. This all made Dante very happy. He'd felt bad for making her cry at first but when he had discovered she was a stalker he stopped caring. He had just gotten out of the shower when he heard a knock on the door.

_That should be my pizza_ he thought cheerfully. He strolled over, opened his door, and then let out a cry of surprise when he saw... Selena! (_dun, dun, duuun_). "What're you doing here! ?" he exclaimed.

"My job," she said simply.

"You know what I mean," he growled.

"I've decided to forgive you and so I'm delivering here again," she replied.

"Whatever," he grumbled. He accepted the pizza and then pulled a piece out and took a big bite out of it. Selena went to walk into the shop before Dante stepped in her way. "No way am I letting you in here," he said.

"I only wanted to visit for a few minutes. It's been so long," she said innocently.

"I see you're as psycho as ever, it's only been a few weeks!" Dante exclaimed.

"That's too long to be away from you," she said as she stared at his shirtless form.

"Normally I wouldn't mind being checked out by a pretty girl but you're the exception. Now get out," he said with a glare.

"Why?" she asked calmly.

"Cause your creepy and I think you're up to something," he replied. She turned to leave but then stopped in the doorway.

"How do you like the pizza? I cooked it myself," she said with an evil grin.

"Wait, wha-" he cut himself off when he realized everything was spinning. "Crap," he muttered before collapsing.  
_Where am I?_ He wondered as he looked around. It only took him a few seconds to realize he was tied to a chair in the attic of the Devil May Cry.

"You're all mine now!" Selena said with an evil grin.

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" Dante whined.

"I didn't manage to get the job at first, they said they had all the employees they needed. So I killed the former pizza deliver so I could get the job. Do you get what I'm saying?" she asked sweetly.

"That you're the psychotic fangirl from hell, possibly literally?" he asked.

"No, I'm willing to kill for you! That's how much I love you!" she said.

"Yeah, I'll stick with what I just said," he said.

"I decided that since you didn't return my feelings I would force you to be with me!" she said before bursting into a fit of evil laughter. She walked toward him with a perverted gleam in her eyes.

_Time to get outta here_ Dante thought. He easily snapped the ropes.

"What! ?" she exclaimed.

"I guess you didn't know as much about me as you thought," he said with a smirk. She pulled out a gun and shot him in the knee. He stumbled back but then just kept coming. She fired several more shots but he just dodged them.

"What are you! ?" she yelled.

"Oh me? Just a half demon," he said with a sinister grin hoping to scare her.

"That's so sexy!" she squealed.

_Well that plan failed miserably_ he thought. He wrenched the gun out of her hand and then pointed it at her. "I'm not in the business of killing humans but you are a murderer and a danger to me, so I guess I'll make an exception," he said.

"No! Please I just wanted to be with you!" she sobbed.

"I hate to make a lady cry but this has got to end," he said. He shot her in the head and caught her corpse before it hit the ground. "Well, I did learn some morals from this, never go out with a peppy girl, the nicer they seem the more untrustworthy they are," he said.

* * *

**_Disclaimer: I don't own the Devil May Cry. I do own Selena though._**

**_AN: I bet cause of the title you guys thought she would be a demon didn't you? Well I fooled you, Mwhaha! Just joking, I was just saying that peppy fangirls are true demons lol._**


	7. The Competition Part 3

**_Humorous _****_DMC_****_ Tales_**

* * *

**_The Competition Part 3_**

* * *

Nero and Dante were still riding on their meteor. Nero was no longer chasing Dante because he didn't have the energy. They were both on the verge of starvation. They just sat there staring off into space (literally in this case) hoping they would find another planet soon. However, they still had the energy to argue.

"Nero," Dante said.

"What?" Nero asked.

"If we don't find a planet soon, we'll starve. But if one of us were to eat the other then the other one might live long enough to find a planet. We should decide how we'll figure out who gets to live," Dante said.

"Are you serious? Well, if so, why not decide through combat?" Nero asked.

"Cause that could cause both of us to die," Dante said.

"Well, fine, seeing as I'm younger and therefore haven't lived as long I should get to live," Nero said.

"No way, I've saved the world more times than you so I deserve to live more," Dante argued.

"Only because you're older and have had more opportunities!" Nero argued back. They continued to argue until Dante finally came up with an idea.

"Rock scissors paper," he said.

"That's what is gonna decide who lives? Fine, you're on," Nero said. They played it several times cause they kept tying until... "Hah! I win, I hope you taste good!" Nero said cheerfully.

"I always knew my luck sucked. What a great way to die, eaten by your nephew," Dante whined.

"Wait, what?" Nero asked in surprise.

"Oh yeah, I never told you. You're the son of my deceased brother, Vergil. He was my identical twin. I was forced to kill him cause he turned evil," Dante said.

"I never knew! I can't eat my uncle even if I do hate him!" Nero exclaimed.

"Okay, I'll eat you then," Dante said cheerfully.

"You would eat your long lost nephew! ? What's wrong with you! ?" Nero exclaimed. Dante was about to reply when he stopped and stared past Nero with a surprised, and happy, look. "What's up with you?" Nero asked.

"We don't have to eat each other! There's another planet!" Dante said cheerfully while pointing at something over Nero's shoulder. Nero turned around and saw a large, normal (not ring shaped) planet that wasn't far off.

"Yes! We won't starve!" Nero yelled cheerfully.

* * *

**_After the Crash_**

* * *

"Well this place seems a lot better than the last planet we were on," Dante said cheerfully.

"Yeah, it's beautiful and, if my eyes don't deceive me, there's a city nearby!" Nero said cheerfully.

"Let's check it out!" Dante said.

"I hope it's full of pretty girls!" Nero said excitedly.

"And pizza!" Dante added. They both ran toward it. "This isn't a normal city, it looks like it's from the middle ages," Dante pointed out.

"So? If there are humans there I don't care," Nero replied. They walked up to the gate. _What if the guards want to know who we are? I won't be able to come up with a good lie that quick and I'm sure Dante won't either_ Nero thought worriedly. However, the guards just let them pass right into the city. _Huh, I expected it to be harder than that_ Nero thought.

"They all look human to me!" Dante said cheerfully.

"Yep, but you do realize that won't have invented pizza," Nero said with a smirk.

"What! ? Nooo!" Dante wailed. Several people gave him strange looks as they walked by.

"Stop making such a commotion," Nero said.

"That's easy for you to say! What if this city had no girls in it? You would complain too!" Dante sobbed.

"Oh just shut up," Nero growled. Dante continued to look forlorn as they walked through the city. "Excuse me, could you tell me the name of this city?" Nero asked a guard.

"Are you serious? This is the Imperial City! The capital of the empire of Tamriel!" the guard exclaimed.

"Sorry, but we're outsiders. We come from a foreign land that isn't part of the empire," Nero explained.

"Oh, what's it's name?" the guard asked.

"Fortuna," Nero answered.

"Hmmm, never heard of it. Well, if you need directions, just ask," the guard said.

"We do need directions, could you please tell me where the nearest bar is? I need to drowned my sorrows in some beer, not to mention I'm starving," Dante said.

"Bar? Do you mean tavern?" the guard asked.

"Yeah, tavern," Dante said.

"There are several taverns in the city. The cheaper ones are Luther Broad's Boarding House, The Foaming Flask, The Bloated Float, and the Merchants Inn. The more expensive ones are The All-Saints Inn, The Tiber Septim Hotel, and the King and Queen Tavern. The closest one is the Merchants Inn because we're in the Merchants District," the guard explained.

"What other districts are there?" Nero asked. The guard named off each one.

"Oh yeah, and the Arena. It's one of the most popular spots in the city. There you can watch and bet on fights or you can sign up for the blue or yellow team and fight to the death, for fame and money," the guard said.

"That's sounds fun, I'll go join up right now!" Nero said excitedly.

"Well, it closes at 9:00 P.M. and it's 10 right now," the guard said.

"Oh, well I'll just sign up tomorrow then, let's go, Dante," Nero said. He looked around. "Dante? Where did that idiot go! ?" Nero exclaimed.

"Your friend? He left when I told 'em where the nearest tavern was," the guard said.

"Thanks for all the info!" Nero yelled as ran off to find the Merchants Inn.

* * *

**_15 Minutes Later_**

* * *

"I finally found it!" Nero said. He opened the door and stepped in. There were merchants everywhere talking about their shops, how much money they made, how many customers they got, and arguing over who's shop was the best. Nero spotted Dante in the corner glaring at everyone nearby. "What's wrong with you?" Nero asked.

"I can't buy any beer! This guy says I have to have 'Septims' whatever the hell those are!" Dante growled.

"Don't worry, I found a way for us to make money. We can join the arena!" Nero said cheerfully. He explained everything to Dante.

"I'll agree to it if you join the opposing team. I want to fight you," a now happy Dante said.

"I wanna fight you to," Nero said with a grin.

"Now then, where do we eat and sleep?" Dante asked.

"Um, I don't know..." Nero said as they walked out of the tavern. Dante had asked for a room when the man told him he had to have Septims again. Dante had lost it and started yelling at the man demanding he take his cash. Next thing they knew a large Nord bouncer was tossing them out. Dante had been ready to attack the bouncer but Nero had held him back saying it was his fault anyway. They wandered about searching for a place to sleep. "Let's knock on someone's door and ask if they'll let us stay," Nero suggested.

"I doubt they will, we are strangers after all," Dante said.

"It won't hurt to try," Nero said. They wandered into the Temple District and started knocking on a random door.

"Who are you?" a woman asked as she opened the door.

"I'm hungry!" Dante shouted.

"Ignore him please. I'm Nero and this is my... uncle, Dante," Nero said.

"What do you and your rude uncle want?" she asked.

"We desperately need some food and a place to sleep," Nero said.

"I don't invite beggars into my house. You'll likely murder me in my sleep and steal everything I have!" she accused.

"No! We aren't beggars, we have money but it's not Septims. You see, we come from a foreign land," Nero explained.

"Oh I'm sorry, I'll let you stay here but on one condition," she said.

"Spit it out before I eat you!" Dante yelled. Nero elbowed him very hard in the ribs. "Ow!" Dante whined.

"What is it?" Nero asked.

"Allow me to teach you of the Nine Divines and their blessings," she said with a sweet smile.

"Nine Divines? Are those your gods? Sorry but me and religion don't mix," Dante said.

"Once you've heard how kind and generous they are that will change!" she exclaimed. Dante was opening his mouth to say something but Nero elbowed him before he could.

"She's offering us free food! So shut up!" Nero hissed.

"Fine," Dante grumbled while rubbing his side and glaring at Nero.

"We'll listen to what you have to say," Nero said.

"Thank you, you're such a polite boy, unlike your uncle," she said while giving Dante a look. Dante decided not reply so he wouldn't get another elbow to the ribs. "My name is Alessia Ottus, now come on in," she said with a smile. They both went in and started shoving as much food into their mouths as would fit. _I can't believe this! They're like pigs. I expected better of the boy,_ she thought haughtily. She sat there giving them snobbish looks through the whole meal.

_ I would love to blow a couple new holes into this girls face... _Dante thought angrily.

_I don't like her but she mocked Dante and she gave me food so I won't complain_ Nero thought. After their meal she had them sit down in the living room and she began to preach. Dante fell asleep a couple minutes into it and Nero sat there and yawned a lot and looked like he was ignoring everything she said.

_This boy is as bad as his uncle! _She thought angrily. Soon after, Nero fell asleep. "May the Nine punish your insolence as they see fit," she prayed smugly. Nero had still been slightly awake and had heard her.

_Must not rip her head off_ he thought groggily. She walked off to join her husband who was already asleep.

* * *

**_The Next Day_**

* * *

Nero yawned and stretched. He looked over and saw that Dante was still asleep.

I_ guess I'll let him get his sleep_ Nero thought. Alessia walked into the room.

"Ah, so the first of the lazy bums is awake," she said. He made no comment. "Did you sleep well?" she asked.

"Yes, I did," he said.

"That's good, even if it was rude of you to sleep while I was talking," she said snobbishly.

_Mustn't. Beat her. Into the ground repeatedly. With the Devil Bringer_ he thought as he tried to hold back his temper. Dante yawned and sat up.

"Can we go now?" He asked.

"What time is it?" Nero asked her.

"11:00 A.M., most people get up around 8," she said.

"Well, excuse me for being really tired after a long trip in which I almost starved to death and even considered eating my nephew," Dante muttered while glaring at her.

"Eating your nephew? Are you a Nord? Cause you act barbaric enough to be one!" she exclaimed.

"One more word, lady. One more word..." Dante threatened.

"You dare threaten me after I took you into my house! ?" she shouted.

"Come on, Dante. Let's go sign up for the arena," Nero said quickly.

"The arena? I knew you two were fools but I'm still surprised. You want to get yourself killed right after getting here?" she said in surprise.

"That's it you're dead!" Dante shouted. Nero pulled him back with the Devil Bringer. He grabbed Dante and tried to hold him back but he tore his arm off of him and in the process tore the long sleeve Nero had used to hide his arm.

"What monstrous creature are you! ?" she exclaimed when she saw his arm.

"I just used this arm to save you from a beating!" he exclaimed.

"Stay back, deadra!" she yelled.

"Dante, have at her, but on one condition. Let me pound her too!" Nero yelled.

* * *

**_The Black Horse Courier  
_**

_When Hastrel Ottus came home from work this evening he discovered his beloved wife mutilated horribly. She had apparently been very badly beaten. It is believed someone was offended by her books and took their revenge. She will recover, in several months. Some say it's a tragedy while others believe she deserved it for all the terrible, racist things she wrote._

* * *

**_Shortly After the Beating of Alessia_**

* * *

Nero and Dante were headed to the arena.

"Hey, Nero, I got a question," Dante said.

"What?" Nero asked.

"How did you manage to hold back your temper for so long? You never have before," Dante asked.

"I don't know, I guess I just got better at controlling it," Nero said with a shrug.

"Which team will you join? Blue or Yellow?" Dante asked.

"Blue I guess," Nero said. Dante laughed. "What's so funny?" Nero asked.

"Nothing, is that the arena up ahead? I'll race ya!" Dante shouted as he took off.

"You're on!" Nero yelled as he ran after him.

* * *

**_Several Minutes Later_**

* * *

They had gotten directions to which bloodwork they needed to go in.

"See ya later," Nero said with a wave as he headed to the blue team bloodworks. Dante just waved back as he left. Nero stepped into the bloodworks. "I'm here to join," he said to a grumpy looking guy in iron armor.

"You? Ha! You won't last a minute! Now get out!" the guy yelled.

"I'm joining rather you like it or not, and if you don't let me I'll just have to beat you until you let me join," Nero threatened.

"I'd like to see you try!" the man said with a laugh.

"You're on!" Nero shouted as he reached for his sword.

"Wait! You're only aloud to fight in the ring. I'll let you join cause your bravery, and stupidity, amuse me. Now get into this raiment. You have to wear it to compete," the man growled.

"Not gonna happen, you couldn't pay me to wear that," Nero growled.

"It's the rules! Anyway, you're not even wearing armor! You would die with the first blow!" the man exclaimed.

"I don't plan on getting hit so I don't need it," Nero replied.

"Wear it or leave," the man growled.

"Fine, where can I change?" Nero asked.

"Right here," the man replied with a grin.

"Sorry but I'm not into guys," Nero replied with a smirk.

"What? I'm NOT gay! If you can't change clothing in front of someone then there's no way you can fight with somebody to the death!" he yelled.

"Whatever," Nero replied. He changed into the raiment.

"Now then, my name is Owyn and I'm in charge down here," Owyn said. Then Owyn explained all the rules. "Now get out there and fight!" he yelled. As Nero walked off he gave the man the finger. Owyn looked like he might explode._ No one has ever been stupid enough to challenge me!_ He thought in anger and shock. Nero looked over his opponent. It was a large, angry looking orc with a large silver axe.

"Well aren't you a looker? I hope your ugly disease isn't contagious," Nero said.

"Arrgh!" it yelled as it charged him. He easily dodged it and then revved up the Red Queen. He sliced it across the back and it collapsed spraying blood.

"He thought I wouldn't last a minute against him? I'm offended," Nero said cockily. He collected his money from a furious and embarrassed Owyn.

* * *

**_Meanwhile..._**

* * *

Dante had walked into the yellow team bloodworks.

"I'm here to join," he said.

"Really? You're to much of a pretty boy to be any good a fighter!" the girl yelled.

"Pretty boy? That's a new one... Well, looks can be deceiving, lady," Dante said.

"Lady? No one has ever dared to call me that!" she screamed.

"Calm down. You'll ruin that beautiful face," he taunted.

"Did you just mock me?" she screeched.

"Well, in the face you're lacking, but as for the chest..." Dante said with a grin.

"Get out before a kill you!" she screamed.

"No way, I'm not leaving till I've killed something," Dante said.

"Fine! I hope you die!" she screamed. A yellow team member ran over and tried to calm her down. After a while she stopped looking murderous. She managed to explain the rules and handed him his raiment.

"This thing is hideous, I ain't putting that on," he said with disgust.

"It's the rules so take it or leave," she growled. He whined for a while before putting it on. He entered his match. He was against a High Elf mage. He easily shot her before she could hit him with her spells. The crowd gasped.

"How did he do that? He just pointed some metal object at her and then it made a noise and she fell over!" one person yelled.

"Maybe it's some new, fancy bow," someone else said. Dante was oblivious to all this and he just went to collect his award.

* * *

**_Sometime Later_**

* * *

Nero and Dante had breezed through their matches. They had also managed to only disable their opponents and not kill them. After a while it was finally the match between the two of them. They were both exited.

"You know, I've won all of our fights before now," Dante said cockily.

"None of those were real fights," Nero replied.

"Yeah, I was holding back," Dante replied.

"So was I," Nero said.

"Well, let's go!" Dante shouted. They fought for quite a while. Nero ran forward and sliced at Dante with the Red Queen. Dante blocked. Nero used the Devil Bringer to grab the Rebellion and try to tug it from his grasp. Dante fired at him with the Ivory. Nero dodged to the side and ripped the Rebellion out of his hand. Dante pulled out the Ebony and opened fire on him. Nero shot the bullets out of the air with the Blue Rose. Then he charged at him. Dante continued to fire but Nero used both the Rebellion and Red Queen to block the bullets. Then he lunged at Dante. Dante dodged the Red Queen but the Rebellion was rammed through his gut. He leaped back away from Nero and pulled it out. "Thanks for returning it," he panted.

"No prob," Nero replied with a grin. They continued to fight until eventually Dante knocked Nero down and sat on him.

"Say uncle," he said with a grin. Nero grumbled and growled. "Sorry, couldn't catch that," Dante said with an even bigger grin.

"Fine, uncle!" Nero growled. Dante laughed and stood up. Then Nero rammed the Red Queen through him. Dante just stared at it in surprise. Then Nero started revving it up. Dante yelled in pain and ripped it out of himself. He backed up and glared at Nero.

"Cheater," he growled while grimacing in pain.

"When I said it I was only referring to you, uncle," Nero said with a grin.

"Let's have one last go," Dante suggested.

"You're on!" Nero shouted. They rushed at each other and sliced at the same time. They both stood there for a little bit. Dante collapsed spraying blood. Nero walked over to his limp form. "You still alive?" Nero asked.

"Ugh," Dante moaned.

"Looks like I wi-" Nero was cut short by Dante tackling him to the ground.

"Now then, say I give up very loudly," Dante demanded. He was pointing the Ebony at Nero's forehead. "And if you're thinking I wouldn't kill you, you're right. But I would blow an ear or two off," Dante threatened.

"I give up!" Nero yelled quickly.

* * *

**_After the Match_**

It didn't take long for Dante's wounds to heal themselves. Afterward, he picked his arena title (Slayer) and was ready to beat the Grey Prince. He challenged him and then went to the arena.

"You're brave, challenging the grand champion," the Grey Prince said.

"Brave? You're brave to accept my challenge," Dante replied.

"Cocky aren't you? Well, we'll see how long that lasts!" he yelled as he ran forward. Dante easily beat him in no time at all. He turned to leave.

"You have to kill him to become the Grand Champion!" The arena announcer said.

"What? But, I don't..." Dante began. _Who am I kidding? This guy ain't human!__ Though he's still an intelligent, none demonic being. Is it right to kill him? But imagine the wealth, fame, and women I'll get if I do... _Dante thought.

"Go ahead, kill me! I don't want to live anymore! I have an adoring fan that just won't leave me alone! If I see him one more time I'll loose what little sanity I have left! Please, end it!" the Grey Prince begged.

"I had a fangirl like that once, just take 'em out to some dark alley and kill him," Dante said.

"You think I haven't tried? Fine, I'll kill myself then!" he shouted.

"No! I'll do it," Dante said. He walked over and beheaded him.

_Your killing was seen by forces unknown..._ a voice whispered.

"What the hell?" Dante said as he tried to figure out where the voice had come from. He shrugged and continued on. Then he went and got his award.

"You're grand champion now, congrats!" Nero said cheerfully.

"You're not jealous?" Dante asked.

"Nope, cause I don't have to live with the guilt of killing that guy!" Nero said while laughing evilly.

"He wanted it! And it was better than letting him commit suicide!" Dante argued.

"Whatever," Nero said. Then a boy with blond hair in the shape of a Hershey's kiss bounced up.

"You're the grand champion! Can I shine your boots? Polish your weapons? Perhaps a back rub?" the boy asked.

"Sure, follow me," Dante said. _Yay! A willing slave_ he thought. Little did he know this gay (he would fit either meaning of the word, decide for yourself which one I meant) little horror would cause him more grief than he could ever imagine...

* * *

**_Disclaimer: I own nothing from Devil May Cry or Oblivion._**

**_AN: This world will be a several parter.  
_**


	8. The Competition Part 4

**_Humorous _****_DMC_****_ Tales_**

* * *

**_The Competition Part 4_**

* * *

Dante and Nero were currently staying at an inn. Dante had celebrated his success with beer, lots of beer. In fact, he drank so much beer that he proposed marriage, not to a mop, but the adoring fan. The adoring fan was in shock. Nero stepped in before he could say anything but Nero swore he was about to say yes. When Dante woke up the next morning Nero told him everything. Dante was so horrified he announced he would never get that drunk again. Nero just laughed almost as hard as he had when it happened. The adoring fan simply stared at Dante but didn't say anything (yes, the adoring fan was actually quiet *gasps of shock*_)_.

"So, now what's the plan?" Nero asked.

"I don't know, I guess we should learn more about the land before we make our next decision," Dante said with a shrug.

"I agree, maybe we could get a job," Nero suggested.

"Why? We got all the money we could ever need!" Dante exclaimed.

"But at the rate you spend it it'll be gone in a week, at most," Nero pointed out.

"Well, you've got a point there..." Dante said.

"I know! With your skills you would be a wonderful member of the fighter's guild, O great champion!" the adoring fan piped up.

"What's that?" Nero asked.

"It's a guild for mercenaries. Their members are well paid, are provided with a place to live if they don't have a house, and they only do jobs that are within the law," the adoring fan explained.

"Sounds perfect!" Nero and Dante shouted at the same time.

"Where can we join?" Dante asked.

"Either in Anvil__ or Cheydinhal," __ the adoring fan said.

"I vote Anvil," Nero said.

"I vote Cheydinhal," Dante said.

"Why? What's wrong with Anvil?" Nero asked.

"I don't know, I just feel like going to the Cheydinhal," Dante said.

"You just wanna argue!" Nero exclaimed.

"Since he is the grand champion, and you are not, his decision is the right one!" the adoring fan said while shooting contemptuous glances at Nero.

"Why you-!" Nero began. Dante laughed.

"I'm beginning to like this guy," he said. Then he froze. "I mean-not in that way!" he said quickly. Nero laughed at his discomfort. They bought a map and then headed for Cheydinhal.

"Aren't you going to buy a horse?" the adoring fan asked.

"Nah, I don't have any horse riding skills anyway," Dante replied.

"Really? I thought you were good at everything," the adoring fan said with a shocked expression.

"Close, but not quite," Dante replied with a smirk.

"That's not true! I'm better than you at some things!" Nero exclaimed.

"Like what?" Dante asked.

"How about girls? At least I had a girlfriend once. You've always chased them off," Nero said with a grin.

"Not true, there was this one girl... Her name was Selena. She was obsessed with me," Dante said.

"Then how come I never met her?" Nero asked.

"I shot her," Dante said simply. Both Nero and the adoring fan stared at him in shock. Dante just grinned.

_I don't think I'll ask..._ Nero thought.

"She must not have been worthy of you," the adoring fan stated. So then the three of them headed for Cheydinhal. Dante bragged to the adoring fan about how awesome he was. The adoring fan prattled on and on about how amazing he was. And Nero tried to keep himself from killing both of them. After several unfortunate bandit attacks (that is, unfortunate for the bandits), they reached their destination. It was late at night and they were all tired. Dante and the fan went to the Cheydinhal Bridge Inn while Nero, who shouted he might strangle that pompous fool and his annoying fan in their sleep, went to Newlands Lodge. Dante was sleeping peacefully when he sensed a presence.

"Who's there?" he muttered drowsily.

"You sleep rather soundly for a murderer, that is good. You'll need a clear conscience for what I'm about to propose," a black robed man said.

"Huh? I've killed plenty of demons but no humans, well, there was Selena but she was a fangirl, separate species in my book," Dante said.

"You took the life of the previous grand champion. You did so for fame and money, you had no value for his life," the man in black said.

"How many times do I have to say this, he begged me to! I was showing him mercy!" Dante exclaimed.

"Oh really? What would you have done if he hadn't asked you to kill him?" The man in black asked.

"Well, I-I don't know..." Dante stuttered.

"My name is Lucien Lachance__. I'm here to invite you to join our rather unique family. We are called the Dark Brotherhood. We are a guild of paid assassins and homicidal cutthroats . We can provide the same things as the Fighters Guild only with a few bonuses. It doesn't matter what species you are, or rather you're living or a vampire, we will accept you with open arms. We will accept any job, good or evil, as long as it required taking a life. We worship the dread father Sithis," Lucien explained.

"That's nice but I kill demons, not humans," Dante said.

"Demons? Do you mean Daedra?"__ Lucien asked.

"No, demons a.k.a. devils," Dante said.

"Well, I should warn you, the Fighters Guild might not be so accepting of you and your friend if they were to find out about what you are," Lucien said.

"Huh? How did you know?" Dante asked.

"I know a lot of things, including your Daedric, or demonic, ancestry," Lucien said. Dante glared at him.

"I won't join you, now leave if you value your life," Dante growled.

"Could you bring yourself to do it? To kill a fellow human?" Lucien jeered.

"That's it!" Dante yelled. He leaped forward as he grabbed the Rebellion off a nearby table. He sliced at Lucien who only barely pulled his silver short sword out in time. Lucien cast a chameleon spell. Dante blinked and looked around trying to spot him. Lucien appeared in front of him and rammed his sword through him. Dante just grabbed the sword and Lucien's hand and pulled it out. Lucien let go of the sword and leaped back.

"I saw your fight in the arena, I knew this wouldn't be enough to kill you. That's why I poisoned the blade. You should die any second now," Lucien said with an evil grin. Dante frowned as his stomach started aching.

"It does hurt, but I wouldn't exactly call it lethal," Dante stated. Lucien stared in shock. Dante zipped across the room and rammed the Rebellion through him. He clamped his hand over Lucien's mouth and then pulled it out. Lucien's eyes watered in pain but he couldn't make a noise. "I didn't hit anywhere vital. I'll turn you into the guards. They can interrogate you all they want," Dante said with a smirk. He pulled a shirt out of the nearest drawer and made a rope out of it to tie Lucien's arms behind his back. Then he dragged him downstairs.

* * *

**_The Next Morning_**

* * *

The guards had believed the whole story and they were extremely grateful to Dante. Dante had told Nero and the fan about it that morning and had, once again, received praise from the fan.

"Great job, now an angry assassins guild will be after us," Nero grumbled.

"We can take them on," Dante said confidently.

"Yes, you can beat anyone!" the fan said.

_Somebody make him shut up..._ Nero thought irritably.

"Let's go sign up for the Fights Guild! I asked directions from the guards," Dante said cheerfully.

"Fine, whatever," Nero said. Then they set off through town.

* * *

**_Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Oblivion or Devil May Cry._**

**_AN: Each chapter will deal with a different guild. Some guilds or factions will be left out._**


	9. The Competition Part 5

**_Humorous _****_DMC_****_ Tales_**

* * *

**_The Competition Part 5_**

* * *

Dante and Nero had found their way to the fighter's guild easily enough. They strolled up to the door and then Dante kicked the door so hard it flew off its hinges and smashed into the wall.

"Show off..." Nero grumbled while the adoring fan praised Dante for his amazing strength. Dante simply stood there and grinned. A man dressed in full steel minus the helmet instantly appeared. He stared at them and then drew his sword.

"Take us to your boss, we're here to sign up," Dante demanded. The porter looked surprised.

"I thought you were attacking us," he said uncertainly.

"Nah, Dante is just abusive to doors," Nero said.

"Oh, well, I'll take you to him the-" the porter began but before he could finish an angry looking orc stomped downstairs.

"What's going on here?" He growled.

"We're here to join," Dante said.

"Get out," the orc said.

"What? You haven't given us a test or anything!" Nero exclaimed.

"I can just look at you and tell you don't have what it takes, now scram," the orc replied.

"Make us," Dante jeered.

"Are you suicidal or something? I could snap both of you like twigs!" The orc growled.

"Oh really? Come on then!" Dante said. They both drew there weapons. The porter jumped in the way.

"You can't fight here, the guards will notice. Burz gro-Khash, they have proven they have physical strength, Dante kicked the door right off it's hinges," he pointed out.

"I don't care, I could do that much!" Burz gro-Khash snapped.

"An ugly name to fit an ugly face," Dante sneered.

"I'll pound you into mush!" Burz yelled in rage. But before he could attack Dante's suddenly collapsed and started coughing up blood. Burz stopped in his tracks and stared in confusion. Nero dropped down to his knees beside Dante.

"Dante! Are you alright? What's wrong?" Nero asked urgently.

"I-I don't know," Dante managed to get out. Then Dante doubled over and started coughing up blood all over the floor. He gave a moan of pain then collapsed.

"Noooooo!" the fan wailed in horror.

"Take him to the chapel, maybe the healers can help," the porter said. Nero nodded and then picked Dante's limp body up.

_It shouldn't be hard to find a chapel, they're usually big, fancy, and white_ Nero thought.

* * *

**_A Half Hour Later_**

* * *

Dante groaned and sat up.

"Where am I?" he asked. A young girl was standing over him. She was pretty and well gifted in certain areas. "Am I in heaven?" Dante asked with a grin.

"No, your at the Cheydinhal chapel. Your friend brought you here," she said. Nero spotted him and ran over.

"You're awake, good. I was thinking I'd have to wreck this place by myself," he said with a relieved grin.

"I doubt you could. Anyway, what happened?" Dante asked.

"You had a strong poison in you, it was a miracle you were still alive," the girl said.

"Oh, I guess that assassin's poison affected me more than I realized..." Dante muttered.

"The stupid fan was a pain in the butt. First he demanded that he carry you here and then he said that I probably poisoned you out of jealousy. Then the priest's had to pry him away from you. Guess he thought if he stood next to you and wailed loud enough you'd wake up fully healed." Nero said.

"Where is he now?" Dante asked.

"I think he went to drown himself in a river or something, no great loss," Nero said with a shrug. Just then the fan came racing into the room and tackled Dante.

"You're alive!" he wailed.

"Yeah... You can get off now," Dante growled as he pried the fan off of him.

"Ready to go back?" Nero asked.

"Yeah, I gotta score to settle with the ugly green dude," Dante said as he stood up.

"Wait! You can't leave now, you still need to recover!" The girl exclaimed.

"I'll stay on one condition, we go on a date and you buy the beers," Dante replied with a grin. While the girl was stuttering in shock, Dante marched over to the door, kicked it open, and left with Nero and the fan.

* * *

**_Back at the Fighter's Guild_**

* * *

"That punk was so weak he collapsed at just the thought of fighting me!" Burz bragged. The porter just shook his head and didn't reply.

"I'm back!" Dante announced.

"What! ? Aren't you supposed to be dying or something! ?" Burz exclaimed.

"Nope, just a minor set back," Dante said with a smirk.

"You've got to admit, he seems pretty tough, not to mention fearless, challenging Burz like that," a Fighter's Guild member pointed out.

"Shut up!" Burz yelled.

"If you don't recruit him he'll probably join Black Wood Company," another member said.

"Fine! You both can join! But that means you follow **MY** orders. Got that?" Burz said with a sneer.

"Whatever, as long as we get paid good," Dante said with a shrug. The porter was staring at him. "What's that look for?" Dante questioned looking creeped out.

"You're the Grand Champion!" the porter exclaimed.

"Oh, well, yeah," Dante said.

"What! ? This punk! ?" Burz exclaimed.

"I was the champion of blue team," Nero added. Burz was at a loss for words. "Well, what's our first job?" Nero asked. Burz quickly explained it to them while looking so angry his head might explode. When the three of them left the other guild members tried to, erm... 'Comfort' Burz.

"Aren't you glad you didn't fight him? He might've killed you," one of them pointed out cheerfully.

"You might have stood a chance against the other one, he was only a champion," another said.

"I'll kill you all if you don't shut up!" Burz yelled. They laughed and ran off while he grumbled.

* * *

**_At the Desolate Mine  
_**

* * *

Nero and Dante had arrived safely at the mine and proceeded inside. They found the three guild members and gave them their weapons. Dante and Nero were both killing all the goblins before the other members had a chance to land even a single blow. Rienna and the other guy were impressed, but the orc was angry.

"I wanted to bash some goblin skulls!" he kept whining. Dante and Nero ignored him and continued to kill all of the goblins. The orc kept whining.

"You snooze you lose, it ain't my fault you aren't as skilled a fighter as us," Dante pointed out. Nero nodded in agreement.

"You're just new recruits, you shouldn't be better than me!" the orc exclaimed. Dante just smirked and left to find more goblins, or at least, that's what he tried to do. He took two steps forward, walked into a trip wire, and was buried under a pile of logs.

"Ow," Dante grumbled as he shoved the logs off of him. The orc laughed at him. "Laugh all you want, I bet you wouldn't have survived this," Dante grumbled.

* * *

**_At Anvil_**

* * *

They had finished their mission and got their reward from Burz. Now they had just arrived at Anvil.

"Let's look around the docks before we go find the Fighter's Guild," Nero suggested. Dante agreed and they went out the gate. Dante looked around with slight interest until he suddenly perked up.

"My beer senses are tingling, I believe there is a tavern nearby!" he announced.

"Fine, you go get drunk and I'll look around," Nero said. Dante dashed off to go find the tavern. Nero decided to check out some of the ships. He noticed a distressed looking woman on the deck of one of them. "Hey, you look upset. Is something wrong?" he asked her.

"Yes, my ship is haunted by wraiths, I have an item in there I need but the ghosts of the crew injured me so I can't get it," she said sadly.

"Don't worry I'll get it for you. Just tell me what it looks like," he said. "It's a crystal ball, my mom gave it to me before she passed away," she explained.

"I'll get it," he said and then he went down into the ship.

* * *

**_Meanwhile at the Flowing Bowl_**

* * *

Dante was drinking some beer when he noticed a pretty woman in the corner.

"Hey, let my buy you a drink," he offered.

"Why thank you, I wouldn't mind some wine," she said while smiling at him. He bought it for her and then sat down next to her. "What's your name? Mine is Faustina," the woman said.

"Mines Dante," he replied.

"Well, I'm feeling rather tired. I know it's the middle of the day but I stayed up most of last night working so I could use some rest. Would you like to accompany me home?" Faustina asked.

_A girl who isn't a creepy stalker just asked me out! _Dante thought happily. "I'd love to, babe," Dante answered. Then the two of them set off.

* * *

**_On the Ghost Ship_**

* * *

Nero had just finished off the last of the wraiths and retrieved the crystal ball.

"Here you go," he said while handing it to the girl.

"Thank you so much! What could I ever do to repay you?" she asked.

"Wanna go on a date?" he asked jokingly.

"I would love to!" She exclaimed.

"Wait, seriously?" he asked in surprise.

"Of course, I've never been on a date before and you're kinda cute..." she said.

"Oh, well, my name's Nero, what's yours?" he asked.

"Varulae," she said with smile.

_I finally get a date and she's not even human _Nero thought with a sigh.

* * *

**_At Gweden_**

* * *

Dante and Faustina walked into the house. On the outside it looked poor but inside it was richly decorated. There were wine bottles everywhere. Dante looked around in amazement

_I've hit the jackpot!_ He thought gleefully. Faustina laid down on the bed and smiled teasingly.

"Want to join me?" She asked with a playful smile. He grinned back.

"Of course," he said. Just as he was walking toward her something smashed him in the back of the head. "Why are there so many stars?" he questioned drowsily before collapsing. Faustina and some other girls, who had been hiding nearby, then stripped him of all his possessions. When he woke up to find the Rebellion, his expensive leather outfit, and all his money gone he almost fainted again. _I'm going to kill her!_ He yelled in his head. He looked around and realized they had dumped him on the side of the road somewhere near the docks. _Crap, Nero's gonna laugh his butt off at me._ Dante thought irritably. Just then a traveler came walking up the road. He stood and stared when he saw Dante in nothing but his underwear. Dante leaped on him, knocked him out, and stole his clothing. _It'll have to do_ Dante thought with a sigh.

* * *

**_10 Minutes Later_**

* * *

Nero had just finished his date with Varulae. It had gone relatively well, he had gotten over his mourning for the loss of Kyrie and was ready to move on. He just wasn't sure if she was the right one yet, he would prefer a human but an elf was the next best thing. He had walked her home and was currently looking for Dante.

_Where did that fool disappear to now? _He wondered irritably. Just then a disheveled and forlorn looking Dante came trudging up. He was wearing poor looking clothing and the Rebellion was no longer on his back. "What happened to you?" Nero asked.

"I was robbed by a gang of women," Dante muttered. Nero burst out laughing.

"You're hopeless, but at least they didn't hurt you," Nero said while trying to control his laughter.

"They hurt my pride badly enough..." Dante growled.

"What are you gonna do now?" Nero asked.

"I'm gonna kill them, that's what!" Dante snarled.

"Oh really? They're probably long gone by now," Nero pointed out.

"I know! You can go into the tavern and see if they show up. You'll be the bait and I'll force them to give my stuff back!" Dante exclaimed.

"It won't work, we look too much alike," Nero said.

"Well I'll make someone else do it then! I've got to get the Rebellion back, it's irreplaceable! Not to mention all my money!" Dante whined. Just then some young man came walking by. Dante grabbed him and dragged him into a small space between two houses. "Listen here, you're gonna be the bait for a trap of mine," Dante growled.

"W-what?" the man stuttered.

"Dante! What're you doing! ?" Nero exclaimed.

"Shut up, Nero, I gotta get my stuff back! Now then, I'll explain the plan to you and I'll pay you when I get my money back," Dante said. The man just stayed quiet. Dante explained what he needed done. "You got that? Now go get it done!" Dante barked. Nero shook his head and sighed. The man nodded and walked into the tavern.

"You know, I'd watch your back if I were you, that guy started giving you the sorta looks that could kill after he got over his shock of being grabbed," Nero pointed out.

"Eh, he'll stop caring when he's got a wallet full of money," Dante said. They waited for a little while then the man came out with a girl. _That isn't Faustina, I guess it must be one of her henchmen_ Dante thought. He and Nero followed the two of them to the house. They waited till the two went inside and then pressed their ears to the door. "I'll burst in when the time is right," Dante whispered. Nero just nodded. All of a sudden screams came from the house.

"What the hell?" Nero said in shock. Dante kicked the door down and stared at the sight before him. The man had apparently had a dagger on him and instead of yelling for help when the girls attacked he'd brutally killed them. Blood and bodies were everywhere.

"Dude, why didn't tell me you could fight? Wait, you stole my revenge!" Dante exclaimed.

"Maybe it was because you never gave him the chance to talk. Anyway, the jobs done so don't complain, just go find your stuff," Nero said.

"What's your name?" Dante questioned the man.

"Mathieu Bellamont," Mathieu said.

"Good, now I can report you to the city guard for murder," Dante said.

"But I did as you asked, shouldn't you be paying me?" Mathieu questioned.

"You stole my revenge from me! How would you like it if I killed or captured someone you wanted revenge on! ?" Dante exclaimed.

"I would be very angry, and unfortunately, that's already happened. A man I wanted to kill was captured and tortured in the Cheydinhal dungeons, my life's work has been ruined!" Mathieu said angrily.

"Um, that man's name wouldn't have Lucien Lachance would it've? Cause I'm kinda the guy that caught him..." Dante said.

"What! ? How dare you!" Mathieu screamed. He leaped at Dante with his dagger. Dante dodged just in time and grabbed his hand.

"Chill out, dude," Dante said.

"You've got no room to talk..." Nero muttered.

"Ever sense he killed my mother when I was little I've been after him and the Brotherhood and now you've ruined it!" Mathieu screamed.

"Dude, his guild is still around, just go back to Cheydinhal, bust him out of prison, and interrogate him yourself," Dante said.

"Oh, I guess I could do that... But now you know too much!" Mathieu yelled as he took another swing at him. Dante dodged and kneed him in the gut. Then he smashed him in the back of the head and knocked him out.

"Let's give him to the guards and tell them what happened, they can decide what to do with him," Nero suggested.

"Sounds like a good plan to me," Dante said.

* * *

**_At that Anvil Fighters Guild_**

* * *

The two of them had been praised by the guards for finally getting rid of the gang. The guards assured them that Bellemont would be taken care of, they didn't ask what they meant by that. They had asked for directions and then headed for the guild. As the walked up to the doors Dante suddenly got a puzzled look on his face.

"What happened to the adoring fan?" he asked.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, him. I don't know, I think he ran off when those trolls attacked us on the road to Anvil and I haven't seen him sense," Nero said with a shrug.

"Oh well, I only noticed cause he wasn't praising me along with the guards," Dante said with a shrug. The opened the doors and they walked inside. Something tackled Dante.

"O' Wonderful One I thought I'd lost you forever!" the fan wailed.

_Crap, I only pretended to like him to__ annoy Nero; I was hoping he'd leave soon... _Dante thought. Not that he didn't like having his ego stroked, he just got tired of the fan's prattling. Nero smacked his forehead and sighed.

_Why is it that every time one of us mentions him he shows up?_ Nero wondered. A porter popped out of nowhere and looked at them suspiciously.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"The new guild members, Burz hired us," Dante said.

"I remember him mentioning a red clad guy with a big sword and white hair. You both have white hair and that's it," the porter said.

"He didn't mention me?" Nero asked.

"Nope, well, he said there was some annoying little fan following him around. Guess that's him," the porter said nodding at the fan. Nero stood in a corner muttering with a dejected look on his face.

"I forgot to get my stuff back!" Dante yelled in horror. He dashed out the door and then came back a little while later wearing his old outfit with the Rebellion slung across his back. The porter looked at him carefully.

"Okay, you fit the description," he said. Then he disappeared as suddenly as he has come.

"Those guys are awfully sneaky for wearing all that armor," Nero said. Azzan walked into the room.

"Perfect timing, I just got a new contract for you," he said.

* * *

**_At Arvena Thelas's House_**

* * *

They both strolled inside and marched upstairs.

"So, ya got a rat problem, eh?" Dante said.

"Yes, you must protect my babies! They're in basement being attacked by mountain li-" she began.

"I'll kill the vermin for ya," Dante said and then he and Nero ran down to the basement. They saw the rats and killed them. Just then the mountain lion leaped at them. Nero slayed it quickly. "I don't see any babies, do ya think they've already been eaten?" Dante asked.

"That's terrible, I hope the mountain lion ate them instead of the rats, at least it would've killed them quicker," Nero said. They walked back upstairs.

"Did you kill it?" Arvena asked.

"The rats and some mountain lion that got down there too," Dante said smugly.

"Noooo! You were supposed to protect my rats, my babies!" Arvena wailed.

"Why didn't you tell me that to begin with! ?" Dante exclaimed.

"I tried to! Now get out! I'll never hire you again!" she screamed as she chased them out.

"Well, maybe Azzan will be more understanding," Nero said hopefully.

* * *

**_Back at the Fighters Guild_**

* * *

"You're fired!" Azzan yelled.

"That's not fair!" Dante whined. Just then a bunch of porters slid out from every place possible and pulled out their swords.

"We'll be going now," Nero said as he dragged a shouting Dante out of the guild.

"I could take all of you on!" Dante shouted.

* * *

**_Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Oblivion or Devil May Cry. If I did the A Rat Problem quest wouldn't exist cause I hate it._**


	10. Dante's Diary: First Entry

_**Humorous DMC Tales

* * *

**_

_**Dante's Diary**_

* * *

_**Introduction

* * *

**_

_My name is Dante and I'm 19 years old. I found this old diary covered in dust under the couch. At first I thought I was gonna get to snoop and read some_

_dude's secrets. But to my disappointment, it was blank. Whoever owned this place before me must have forgotten about it. So now I've decided to write in_

_it. Why? Because I'm bored and it's better company than most people cause I can whine at it and it won't tell me to shut up. Oh, and I don't owe it money._

* * *

_**Entry 1 (DMC 3)

* * *

**_

_So here I am, minding my own business, eating some pizza, when the ugliest bald dude I've ever seen walks in. He says some things, nonsense mostly,_

_and then throws my desk at me! Well, of course, being my awesome self, I dodge it easily. Now I'm thinking that was the most pathetic excuse for an attack ever. The demons must be losing their touch._

_Yeah, demons, devils, whatever ya wanna call them. I'm a devil hunter. Don't believe me? I don't care, you'll believe me when you get eaten by one. Then_

_your family members will come crying to me to kill it. I get payed and everyone's happy,_

_well, I guess I'm the only happy one, but that suits me fine. I assume this guy is a devil cause he's too ugly to be human._

_Then again, not all demons are ugly, just look at myself, I'm anything but ugly. Wait, I guess he could be human, I mean,_

_Enzo is human and there are few things uglier than him. Anyway, so as I'm thinking how weak an attack that was a whole bunch of devils appear around_

_me and ram their scythes through me. Now this is beginning to get annoying. I then proceed to kick all their butts and I'm reaching for my pizza when_

_one steps on my pizza and ruins it! Now he has got to pay! So then I get revenge on the stupid thing and realize how messed up my shop is. I haven't_

_even named it and everything is already messed up! So I go outside to kill some more devils and suddenly I get the urge to sneeze, yes, even someone as_

_perfect as myself has to sneeze sometimes. So I sneeze and my whole shop comes crashing down. Now I'm mad. So I kill all their sorry butts. Then this_

_huge freaking tower comes outta the ground and my big bro Vergil is on top. Now I knew Vergil was alive cause I met him a year ago. Normally, I would be_

_glad to know my older twin was alive but there are two problems. **1.** He wants to unleash hundreds of devils upon the earth and take it over, which would_

_make it difficult to get pizza. And **2.** he is my identical twin so I have to compete with him to get the babes. So I decided I gotta stop him. I enter the tower_

_only to find the biggest dog I've ever seen. Seeing as he has three heads I'm guessing he is a Cerberus. I kick his butt and grab some awesome icy_

_nunchucks. Then some psycho chick fires a rocket at me and rides off on her motorcycle, this has not been my idea of a good day. I move on through the_

_tower, completing puzzles (most of which involve sticking glowy or important looking objects into important looking holes or slots) by using my great mind._

_I then meet some guy named Jester. I believe I'd take the random psycho chick over this guy any day. I move on through the tower kicking butt_

_everywhere I go until I eventually get to the top. I fight my bro, get stabbed a few times, and then I transform and attack him. I've transformed like this_

_before but only now have I truly recognized the power for what it is. I turn into a true devil for a short amount of time before changing back to my_

_human form. I'll call it devil trigger. If you're wondering how I can do this, it's because I'm a half-devil. That's right, my dad was a super powerful demon_

_named Sparda and my mom was a human. My dad vanished and when I was six my mom was killed by devils. From what I hear, my dad was supposed to_

_be a hero to humans. He turned on the other devils and saved the human race. He then sealed the other devils into hell so they could never invade the_

_human world again. Apparently he did a pretty bad job of sealing them though cause they're all over the place. My bro joined the same things that killed_

_our mom, something I'll never understand. Anyway, so I go devil trigger and attack my bro who stabs me again and then leaves. At this point I'm_

_feeling pretty bad. So I collapse in a pool of blood and pass out for a little bit. When I come to I'm much stronger than I had been. I decide my business at_

_the top is over, so I jump off the tower. Then I get eaten by a huge flying whale. Only in my life do such things happen. I decide that the best way to get_

_out is to destroy its heart and kill it. However, it has three hearts and none of them want to be destroyed. So now I'm fighting hearts that can shoot laser_

_beams. Wow. I kill it and then cut my way out of its eye. Then I once again meet psycho chick. Is this the third time? I guess it doesn't matter, I still_

_don't like her. I leave and continue fighting my way through the tower only now I'm trying to get to the basement. Eventually, I reach the basement and_

_fight Vergil again. Then the worst thing possible happens. We both get owned by Jester! Well, actually Jester is the ugly bald dude I met before. I move on after the humiliation and continue through._

_After a while I meet up with Lady (the psycho chick) and we have a bit of a disagreement. I kick her butt and promise her I'll kill the ugly bald dude/Jester_

_who, it turns out, is her dad. I never saw THAT coming. I mean, she's pretty and he's... not. To make a long story short,_

_I take a trip to hell, which part of it is very beautiful, strangely enough, beat the hell out of the ugly bald dude/Jester with help from Vergil, and then fight Vergil. I beat him and he stays in hell... As much as_

_we didn't get along, it does sadden me. I mean, he was my bro. Lady actually turned out to not be too bad a babe. She helped me name my shop. We_

_decided on the Devil May Cry. Something she said to help me when I was down about Vergil. Well, I guess that's it for this diary entry, till next time, I guess._

* * *

**_AN: I'll make one of these for each game.  
_**

**_Disclaimer: I own nothing from DMC_**


	11. Dante's Diary: Second Entry

_** Humorous DMC Tales**_

* * *

_**Dante's Diary  
**_

* * *

_If anyone thinks I'm ever gonna write "Dear Diary" then you can stop dreaming. I'm NOT a teenage girl and that is usually used_

_by teenage girls. Also, I'm not writing about my day to day life and crap like that. If I wanted to talk about all the things_

_I do each day I'd get a twitter. Also, I would never write anything too embarrassing cause I'm sure Lady or Trish one will find_

_this eventually. Sorry to disappoint ya, babes. On another note, I wonder if Lady has a diary? I might not ever ask her about it_

_but I'm still curious about what her real name is. I bet it's something stupid, like Jesterina. Now on to more important things.  
_

* * *

_**Entry 2 (DMC 1)**  
_

* * *

_So here I was, sitting in the Devil May Cry. I was, as usual, minding my own business when a motorcycle crashes into the DMC and_

_and comes through the window. The hottest blond chick I've ever seen jumps off of it and walks toward me. Just as this starts seeming_

_good she electrocutes me and then stabs me with my own sword! I respond by pointing a gun in her face. She then says, "Wait,_

_I'm not your enemy!" Now if this is my ally I'd hate to meet my enemy! Then she takes her sunglasses off and I realize that_

_she looks just like my mom! I thought my mom was hot! Ewwww! I'm so stunned by this that I lower my guns and allow_

_her to talk. She tells me that the demon emperor Mundus is trying to come to the human world and take it over. Normally, I'd_

_be demanding money for killing this guy, but I have a personal grudge against him. He is the demon that had my mom killed._

_I agree to work with her and go to the island that Mundus is at. Now, I know some of you are thinking, "Why would you_

_trust some random chick who attacked you and looks just like your mom?" That's a good question. It was probably cause I didn't_

_feel like blowing someone who looks like my mom's head off. I figured I could take her if I had too. Anyway, so I followed her to_

_the island and she jumps over some wall and leaves me to figure this place out by myself. What great teamwork... I go through_

_kicking butt until I come across this strange statue. It's of a woman who appears to be in great pain cause there is a sword_

_stuck through her. Suddenly, the sword flies out of the statue and embeds itself in me. Ouch. I guess I decided pulling it out wasn't  
_

_dramatic enough so I slowly floated into the air and rose off of the sword. Ouch! Never will I remember why I did that, I just_

_wish I hadn't. So I continue on, for a while nothing special or of great interest happens. Until I have my first fight with this weird_

_dude who seems oddly familiar. He almost kicked my butt the first time we fought but when he saw my amulet (which my mother_

_gave me) he freaks out and runs off, that was odd. Then I fight a bunch more stuff until eventually I come into the final showdown_

_with the weird but familiar dude. I fight him, I win, and this time I kill him. That's when I spot something around his neck,_

_it's an amulet like mine! When we were young, my mother gave me one half of an amulet and my bro Vergil the other half. He wanted_

_my half when we fought at Temi-ni-Gru because if you fused them and a certain sword together it would create a very powerful sword called_

_the Sparda which was once wielded by, you guessed it, my dad, Sparda. So now I realize this dude was my bro! The last time I saw_

_him he has been trapped in hell, apparently Mundus did something to him and turned Vergil into his slave. Now not only has Mundus_

_killed my mom but he made me have to kill my brother too! He has got to pay. I take the amulet and fuse mine with it and the_

_sword (Force Edge) and I create the Sparda. Then I pull off some flashy moves with it and move on. I eventually enter a room and find_

_Trish trapped by a nightmare, I attack it thinking I'm going to save her. Then she electrocutes me! Now only did it hurt like hell but here_

_I was trying to save her and this is what I get? It's like Lady all over again! Then she reveals herself to be a servant of Mundus and that_

_this was all a trap. Crap. I kill the nightmare and rescue her from some falling stuff. She asks me why I saved her. I say it's cause_

_she looks like my mother. Man, I know I'm gonna regret saving her later, probably she'll try to pretend she's changed and then zap me when_

_my back is turned. But what else was I supposed to do? Lady shot me several times and now we're, sorta, friends. Maybe there's a slight_

_chance that could happed here, right? Anyway, I move on fighting stuff (I'm in hell now, by the way) until I get to this big cathedral._

_It's oddly beautiful for being the place Mundus is hanging out in. Then, to my dismay, I discover that Mundus has Trish captive and_

_is threatening to kill her if I try anything. I'm not sure if she is in on this or not but it doesn't matter. I can't bring myself to let_

_her die, but at the same time I'm not sure if she's really worth dying for. Mundus sees that I'm distracted and he stabs me with these_

_big glowy spikes. While I'm busy being in lots of pain he's preparing to finish me off. Then Trish jumps in the way and takes the blow for me._

_Now I'm pissed. I fight Mundus, don't get to kill him, unfortunately, and say some parting words to Trish. I wish I could've taken her body_

_with me so that I could give her a proper burial but there's no time for that. I race out of there as fast as I can cause the place is falling to pieces._

_I enter into my final battle with Mundus, and possibly my final battle period. I'm certain I'm going to die here but I'm hoping to take him_

_out with me. Then Trish arrives! She wasn't dead after all and she gives me some of her power so I can finish the fight. I don't get to kill_

_him but I do send him back to where he came from. Then just as Trish is losing hope and thinking that we are gonna die, a random biplane comes_

_crashing in through the wall. We hop in and ride off on it. I'm sure you're wondering, "How do you know how to drive a biplane?" It's_

_simply because I'm talented and intelligent. So then I fly out of there with Trish in the back seat and we leave the island behind forever. It blows up_

_and takes all the devils that were on it with it. Me and Trish enjoy one of the few pleasant, peaceful moments in our lives and then I take us_

_back to the Devil May Cry. At first, we renamed the shop Devils Never Cry, but it didn't sound as good as the Devil May Cry so I changed_

_it back. Trish was highly offended cause it had been her idea and she said that I must value Lady's opinion over hers. Come on, which would_

_you have chosen? Devil May Cry or Devils Never Cry? Is that even a real question? Anyway, when Lady found I'd changed it she turned vicious,_

_if I hadn't changed it back she might've killed me. Man, women can be so annoying sometimes._

* * *

_**AN: I've decided to make one of the anime too.**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own DMC**  
_


	12. The Return of Sparda

_**Humorous DMC Tales**_

* * *

_** The Return of Sparda**_

* * *

Nero and Kyrie had been helping to clean up Fortuna and trying to restore it to its former glory. After everything that had happened Nero was more curious than ever about who his parents were and how he was connected to Sparda. He had asked around to see if anyone knew until one day he met someone with some information. He had once been a member of the order. He had seen a lot of things that someone of his rank should have never seen. He was not one of the higher ranking ones who had turned themselves into demons.

"I know some information," he told Nero.

"What do you know?" Nero asked hopefully.

"I met a strange man in a bar one day. He had white hair just like yours and a fancy blue coat. He was staying at a hotel and I asked him where he was from and if he was interested in joining the order. He declined my offer and said he was only staying for a short amount of time. I asked him his name, he said it was Vergil. It wasn't long after his visit that we discovered you. I'm sorry but that's all I know," the man said.

"Thank you," Nero said as he left._ Could__ that man have been my father?_ Nero wondered. Several days later an older girl ran up to him.

"I know who your mother was!" she said.

"Really? Please tell me," Nero said excitedly. _I bet she was beautiful and my dad saved her from a demon and she fell in love with him!_ Nero thought.

"I knew her long ago. We were both hookers, she told me one day that she was pregnant. I asked if she knew which customer it was. She said it wasn't a customer. She had met a very handsome young man and she instantly fell in love. She offered him a drink at a bar and drugged him. Then she dragged him away and well, you know..." the woman said. Nero stared blankly at her.

"You mean my mom was a hooker who raped my father?" Nero asked in horror.

"Yep," the woman said.

* * *

_**Several Days Later**_

* * *

There was a knock on the door of the Devil May Cry.

"Enter," Dante said lazily. Kyrie walked in with a nervous look on her face.

"Erm, Mr. Dante, I need your help," she said.

"Mr.? Seriously? Just call me Dante," he said with a laugh.

"Oh, uh, okay. You see, Nero has been acting very strange recently. He seems really depressed. Could you try to help him?" Kyrie asked.

"Why me? If you can't help him then surely I can't," Dante said.

"Please, you're the only person I can turn to," she begged.

"Fine, I'll try to find out what's wrong," he said. She thanked him and then left. Sometime later Nero came walking in looking depressed.

"Kyrie said you wanted to talk to me..." he muttered.

"What's up? Why're ya acting so depressed?" Dante asked. Nero stared at him for a little bit then started crying. "Huh?" Dante said in surprise.

"My mom was a hooker who raped my dad who was some mysterious guy named Vergil that abandoned me!" He wailed.

"Hey! Vergil was my older twin bro!" Dante exclaimed.

"Then you're my uncle?" Nero asked. Then he started crying harder. "Hey! That should be a good thing!" Dante exclaimed. "Wait, Vergil was raped by a psycho fangirl? Why couldn't it have happened to me instead?" He whined.

"What's wrong with you! ?" Nero exclaimed. Dante just shrugged. "Wait, do you know where Vergil is?" Nero asked.

"Yep, I killed him," Dante said.

"What! ?" Nero yelled.

"He was evil and power hungry, I had no choice!" Dante exclaimed.

"So, my mom raped my dad, who was evil, and then my uncle killed my dad?" Nero asked.

"Yep, that seems to be what happened," Dante said. "Oh, and remember that blond girl that dresses like a hooker who you kept staring at? Her name is Trish and she looks just like your grandmother, who was ripped apart by demons," Dante said.

"I thought my Grandma was hot..." Nero said slowly. He then proceeded to puke.

"Hey! Now I'll have to clean that up!" Dante exclaimed.

* * *

_**One Day Later**_

* * *

Kyrie stormed into the Devil May Cry.

"What did you say to him! ? He's almost suicidal now!" She yelled at Dante.

_Huh, I didn't know she had a temper_ Dante thought. "I just told him the truth. If he can't handle it then that's his problem," Dante said with a shrug.

"What did you tell him?" She demanded.

"Just that I killed his father and that I'm his uncle," Dante explained.

"You did what! ? How could you! ?" She yelled.

"His father was my evil twin okay?" Dante said irritably.

"Oh, so you had no choice? I'm sorry; I guess it must have been hard for you to kill your brother. Now I see why Nero is so upset though, he found out his father was evil and his mom was a hooker," she said sadly.

"Yeah, I feel sorry for the kid. But he seems like he's overreacting to me. I mean, he never even knew his parents, nothing has changed. You still love him, right?" Dante asked.

"Well, yeah," she said.

"See, what's there to complain about then? You don't think differently of him so he shouldn't think differently of himself," Dante said.

"Thank you! If I tell him that maybe he'll snap out of it. We were actually planning our marriage you know, I want him to be happy for it," Kyrie said.

"That's great, I wish you guys lu- Oh, who am I kidding? I'm jealous..." Dante said grumpily.

"Jealous of what?" Kyrie asked.

"Him having a girlfriend! I never got one..." Dante said sulkily.

"I don't know why. You seem very nice, and wise," Kyrie said.

"And what! ? Since when was I wise! ?" Dante exclaimed. Kyrie just giggled and then left with a wave. _That was weird..._ Dante thought.

* * *

_** Later That Day**_

* * *

Kyrie had managed to cheer Nero up a bit and he was just seeming like he was becoming his old self again when...

"Nero! I know something else about your mother!" The woman from before yelled as she ran up to him as he was walking down the street.

"I don't want to know because it's not important," he said.

"No! It's very important! It turns out she had two other children shortly after you. They were both by another man, whom she had married after she got cleaned up. They were Creedo and Kyrie!" She exclaimed.

"What! ?" Nero yelled.

"Yes, so she's your half sister, you mustn't marry her!" The woman said.

* * *

_**One Hour Later**_

* * *

"Kyrie, we can't be together. I'm leaving you, I call the wedding off," Nero said quietly.

"But why! ? I thought you loved me!" Kyrie cried.

"I do, but you're my half sister!" He sobbed.

"What! ? But-I thought-You can't be right-" she stuttered.

"It's true. I'm leaving Fortuna forever now!" He yelled and then he ran away. She started crying.  
There was a knock on the door of the Devil May Cry.

"Come in," Dante said. Nero stumbled in. "Huh? What's wrong?" Dante asked.

"Kyie's-hick-my-hick-half sister," he mumbled drunkenly.

"Well, that sucks. I guess you're not getting married then. Wait, does this mean she's available?" Dante asked.

"I'll kill-hick-you!" Nero yelled. Then he passed out.

_Poor kid_ Dante thought. Lady walked into the Devil May Cry only to find the two most drunk men she had ever seen.

"What's going on here? Dante, you're a bad influence," she said when she saw Nero.

"Well, he found out that he can't marry Kyrie cause she's his half sister and that his mother was a hooker who raped his father who was my evil twin," Dante said.

"So why are you drinking?" She asked.

"Cause his life sucks," Dante answered.

"Wait, what? What kind of a reason is that?" Lady questioned.

"A bad one, but I don't care; it's an excuse to get drunk. Oh, and I'll never get a girlfriend, that sucks too," Dante said. Lady shook her head and then left.

* * *

_**Sometime Later**_

* * *

Lady had quit coming by the Devil May Cry because Nero and Dante were extremely drunk every time. Trish made use of the fact that they were too drunk to notice her so she could steal Dante's devil arms and pawn them off. They used the money to buy more beer and pizza. Lady refused to lend anymore money to Dante. She said she would only help him if he sobered up. Because he was too busy drinking to take very many jobs and they were running out of devil arms the Devil May Cry was in terrible shape. The bathroom has strange molds and fungi growing in it and the toilet seat had fuzzy green and yellow stuff on it. Dante's bed had so many beer bottles and pizza boxes in it that you could hardly see the actual bed. And the living room/office floor was a maze of beer bottles, pizza boxes, and broken pieces of furniture. As Trish had discovered, when Dante and Nero got too drunk fights would often break out between them. This is why there was a large amount of dried blood about the place. Dante now had what he considered solid excuses for being drunk. He didn't have a girlfriend, he was constantly broke and in dept, and he decided that seeing as everyone in his family but his nephew were dead he had a sob story too. One day Trish had left to go sell off some more devil arms and Dante and Nero were as close to sober as they ever got. Suddenly the door was knocked down and a man came walking into the shop.

"Are you my sons? Where is my dear wife Eva?" The man asked.

"Dad? Is that you?" Dante mumbled.

"Yes, my sons, it is! I can't believe how much you have grown! I must have taken a longer nap than I thought!" Sparda exclaimed.

"You're Sparda? I thought he was dead..." Nero said.

"No, I just took a nap, a long one apparently. But where is your mother?" Sparda asked. Just then Trish walked into the room. "There's my wife!" Sparda yelled. He grabbed her and kissed her. She looked stunned.

"You've gone too far, Dante!" She yelled. She smacked him across the face.

"Dante? Honey, I'm not your son, I'm your husband!" He exclaimed. She stared at him in surprise.

"You're Sparda?" She asked.

"Of course. I've missed you so much," he said. He attempted to hug her but she quickly backed away. Dante was laughing at Sparda's confused expression.

"She's not Eva, her name is Trish. She's a friend of mine," Dante explained.

"Where's Eva then?" Sparda asked. Dante looked at him for a moment.

"She's dead. And now that I think about it... It's your fault!" Dante growled. "If you had been there she wouldn't be dead!" He yelled.

"Wait, if you had been there Vergil wouldn't have turned evil and I would have parents... It's all your fault!" Nero yelled. Nero started using the Devil Bringer to pull miscellaneous objects to him and then throw them at Sparda. Dante had started grabbing empty beer bottles off the floor and breaking them over Sparda's head. Sparda was dodging and yelling,

"Please, my children, this isn't necessary! I'm sorry I left you but it wasn't my fault! I had to rest to replenish my power!" Dante then picked up a full beer bottle. Thinking that it would be a waste of good beer to break it on Sparda's head, Dante drank it and then preceded to whack him. Nero started accidentally pulling full beers to himself and drinking them. After a little while of this they were both so drunk that they were attacking each other as well. Normally, one would think a fight among the Legendary Dark Knight Sparada, his son, and his grandson would be an epic fight. However, this was basically a bar fight. Lady walked through the door.

"You guys sober yet?" She asked. She gazed at the scene before her. Those three were still at it but now Trish was trying to steal devil arms while no one was paying attention. "I guess not," Lady said and then she left. Trish managed to get an armful while dodging flying chairs and such. She darted out the door and hopped on her motorcycle. Lady gave her a questioning look.

"It's the Sparda family reunion," Trish explained. Lady just nodded and then hopped on her bike and rode off.

* * *

_** A Half Hour Later**_

* * *

Dante and Nero had finally calmed down and Nero had accepted Sparda's apology.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't myself back there. Now that I'm sober I'm actually glad you're here, at least now I have one grandparent," Nero said.

"There is no need to apologize, I can understand why you would be bitter," Sparda said sadly. Dante just glared at him.

"You didn't even know you're other son was dead! You obviously didn't even care enough to remember what he looked like," Dante grumbled.

"I last saw you both when you were two years old! I couldn't have known that he wasn't Vergil!" Sparda exclaimed.

"What about his comment about Vergil wouldn't have turned evil?" Dante demanded.

"I wasn't paying a lot of attention because you were attacking me! Please, can't we get over these petty grudges?" Sparda begged.

"Dante, think of it this way. If he hadn't arrived my life would have been a mess for who knows how long. Shouldn't you be thanking him for helping me, your nephew?" Nero said.

"Fine, but I still don't like you," Dante growled at Sparda. Sparda just sighed sadly. Patty, who had been listening in on the conversation, suddenly burst through the door and smacked Dante across the face.

"Huh! ? What the hell was that for! ?" Dante exclaimed.

"You idiot! I didn't hate my mom and she left me of her own free will! Sparda couldn't help it!" She yelled.

Fine! I forgive him okay?" Dante whined. She huffed and then turned to Sparda.

"You need a new wife," she announced.

"What? Why? I like my old one..." Sparda said.

"You seem depressed and your son isn't helping matters," she shot a glare at Dante as she said this, "a new wife could help you get over your sadness. I think you should start dating. I can set up blind dates for you and you tell me what you either liked or disliked about the girl! Okay?" Patty asked.

"Well... Dante, my son, what do you think about this?" Sparda asked.

"I think you shouldn't bother. After all, what if you have to take another nap? She'll likely be targeted and killed just like mom was," Dante said.

"Well aren't you a little ray of sunshine?" Lady stated as she walked through the door.

"So you finally decided to visit again?" Dante said.

"Yeah, now that you're sober. You need to lay off your dad, Dante," she said.

"What right do you have to tell me that? You shot your dad! You put a whole freaking clip in his head!" Dante exclaimed. Lady just ignored him. Patty gave Lady a frightened look.

"It's a long story, don't worry though, he deserved it. After all, he was trying to unleash the demons of hell upon the earth," Lady said.

"Well, I guess I'll go find you a girlfriend!" Patty chirped nervously as she darted out the door.

"Hey, Dante, can I still stay at your place?" Nero suddenly asked.

"Yeah. Why couldn't you?" Dante questioned.

"Well, I thought you might wanna let your dad stay here..." he trailed off.

"He's a super powerful demon, surely he can find his own place to stay," Dante said mockingly.

"Are you ever gonna give it a rest?" Lady sighed. Dante ignored her.

"I can't just produce money..." Sparda muttered.

"Then get yourself a rich girlfriend," Dante growled.

"Money and looks isn't everything," Sparda said.

"I don't need a lesson in morals from a demon!" Dante snarled.

"You accepted Trish just fine," Sparda said.

"She's different," Dante said.

"Why? Because she looks like your mother? I AM your father!" Sparda exclaimed.

"Really? Then where were you through my life?" Dante growled. Sparda stared at him.

"Well this isn't awkward at all," Lady said. "Dante, this isn't a request, get over yourself. Your father is a lot better than mine! Just be glad you have one that doesn't want to kill you!" Lady barked. Dante looked stunned.

"Oh, erm, sorry. I guess you're right..." Dante muttered. "Fine, I'm sorry, dad..." he muttered. Sparda smiled and patted him on the shoulder.

"Thanks, son," he said.

* * *

_**Meanwhile...**_

* * *

In heaven, Eva was happily watching the reunion of her family. At first, she had been very sad because of Dante's attitude toward his father. But now she was very happy because they were finally getting along. She glanced over and saw, to her surprise, Vergil was watching the scene as well with a disgusted look on his face.

"My little Verg! It's been so long!" She said as she hugged him.

"Get off! I'm not your little boy anymore. I'm a powerful warrior! Or at least I was... Before Dante killed me..." he grumbled.

"Well you shouldn't have been misbehaving like that. It was your punishment for being a bad boy," Eva said.

"Dante's not exactly perfect either!" Vergil whined.

"He's been a hero! How many lives has he saved by now? You should have followed in his footsteps," Eva said.

"I'm the older brother so he should be following in mine! He was always your favorite..." Vergil pouted.

"I loved you equally, but you never saw that. You and your brother always loved each other but you refused to admit it. You could have done great things together but now it's too late. I'm ashamed of you, Vergil," she said sternly.

"I'm a powerful demon, what do I care if my mom accepts me?" Vergil growled.

"Half demon," she corrected. He just grumbled at her. "You should go down there and tell them you're sorry. You'll have to haunt one of them for 5 days before you can return and then it'll be two weeks before you can haunt again," Eva said. Suddenly Vergil got an idea.

"Fine, I'll go down there..." she missed the evil gleam in his eyes.

* * *

_** At the Devil May Cry**_

* * *

Dante was sleeping one night (how he did love sleeping) when he heard a voice in his head.

_Daaanteee! Daaanteee!_ It said.

"Huh? Who's there?" He muttered drowsily. He decided it must have been a dream and rolled over to go back to sleep.

_Boo!_ A voice yelled. Dante fell off of his couch (he was sleeping there cause Nero was sleeping in his bedroom and Sparda in the guest bedroom) and looked around wide eyed. Nobody was there. He slowly got back on and attempted to go back to sleep. The next morning Sparda and Nero noticed he was in an especially foul mood.

"What's up?" Nero asked.

"I barely slept at all cause some loud noise kept waking me up. None of you decided to pull a prank did you?" He asked suspiciously.

"Nah, I was sleeping like a dead man. Anyway, Sparda wouldn't do that, you just stopped being angry with him a few days ago," Nero said.

"Eh, whatever, but I want someone on guard duty tonight. If it starts again I want you to find out what it was," Dante said.

"Hey, we gotta sleep too," Nero argued.

"Consider it payment for me letting you stay at my house," Dante said. Nero grumbled at him.

"So, what are we going to have for breakfast?" Sparda asked. "The usual, some pizza and coffee," Dante said.

"Pizza? That's an odd choice for breakfast," Sparda said. Dante just shrugged.

* * *

_**Several Hours Later**_

* * *

"Do you just sit around all day or do either of you have jobs?" Sparda questioned.

"This is my job, the Devil May Cry, I wait for a call and then I kill some demons and get paid," Dante said.

"Though more often than not he has to pay for property damages," Nero said with a grin.

"Shut up, it's not my fault the demons won't just stay still and let me kill them," Dante growled.

"What about you Nero? Do you have a job or do you work for your uncle?" Sparda asked.

"Well, I used to help Kyrie clean up Fortuna but after... the incident, I've just helped Dante out on some jobs, we'll take turns sometimes," Nero said. Sparda looked sad.

"What?" Dante asked.

"It saddens me that you both haven't gotten to truly enjoy your human side. I wish you could have grown up like normal children, gone to college, and gotten a normal job," Sparda said.

"Hey, that's boring crap, this is much funner," Dante said.

"Don't you want to make normal friends?" Sparda asked.

"I've got some in Fortuna," Nero said.

"But you have abandoned them, shouldn't you visit them? I know it's hard for you to see her now but isn't it better to love her as your sister than never see her again?" Sparda asked.

"I guess you're right. Fine, I'll leave tomorrow, I'm going back," Nero said in a determined voice.

"I'm proud of you. I wish my other son could have been like you. Strong, brave, and kind," Sparda said. Suddenly they heard an irritable voice say,

_I was plenty strong and I was no coward!_

"Huh? Vergil, was that you?" Dante asked.

_Erm, no?_ Vergil said.

"Hey! You were keeping me up last night!" Dante yelled.

_Yes, and it was fun_. _What are you going to do__ about it?_ Vergil sneered.

"I'll exercise your sorry butt! Anyway, what are you talking about strong? You got killed by me, mind controlled by Mundus, and raped by a human girl!" Dante exclaimed. He felt something stomp really hard on his foot. "Ow! You jerk!" Dante yelped in pain.

_Heh, take that, I can still hurt you though I can't do anything fatal, unfortunately_ Vergil said.

"Is that you, my son? I've heard bad things about you, I am very disappointed," Sparda said.

_Why should I care?_ Vergil said.

"Dad?" Nero whispered with a shocked look on his face.

_Shut up! You're no son of mine. Falling in love with some weak human woman, how pathetic,_ Vergil sneered.

"I'm pathetic? What about you? You were the one who got raped by a 'weak human women'," Nero jeered.

_Shut up!_ Vergil snapped. Nero and Dante laughed. Dante got kicked.

"Ow! Why me? It was Nero who said it!" he exclaimed.

_Yeah but I'm haunting you so I can't do anything to anyone else. I can only appear to you__ but the others can hear me if I wish for them too_ Vergil said.

"Well that sucks," Dante grumbled. Nero laughed again. Dante just glared at him.

"How long are you gonna haunt me? And will you bug me every night?" Dante demanded.

_For the next 4 days. The first day__ already passed. Anyway, yeah, I'm going to continue terrorizing you, that's why I'm here,_ Vergil said cheerfully. Dante grumbled a lot.

_Four__ freaking days of no sleep.._. He thought irritably.

"By the way, what's for supper?" Sparda asked.

"Pizza," Dante answered.

"But we had that for lunch!" he exclaimed.

"Don't dis the pizza. I'll have it whenever I want and you'll deal with it if you want to stay here," Dante growled.

"Fine, but I worry about your health," Sparda said.

"I'm half demon! I can take some junk food!" Dante exclaimed. Nero laughed and nodded in agreement. Sparda just sighed and decided to quit the argument.

* * *

_** The Next Day**_

* * *

Dante was in an even fouler mood and Vergil now only annoyed him and didn't talk to anyone else. Lady and Trish didn't know about the haunting and just thought he had lost his mind because he kept yelling at thin air. This was all amusing to Nero and saddening to Sparda because he didn't like to see his sons fighting even after the death of one.

"Hey, Mr. Sparda, I found you a date!" Patty said as she ran through the door.

"Really? Is she human or demon?" Sparda asked.

"Human of course," Patty said. She led him off to go meet his date.

"I gotta see this," Dante said. So he, Nero, and Vergil's ghost followed Sparda to spy on him. They went to a restaurant and slipped inside after Sparda had entered. They all sat (except Vergil, who floated) at a nearby booth in a place where he couldn't see them but they could see him. Patty had left to give him privacy only to find them hiding.

"You aren't supposed to be here! Give him some privacy!" She snapped.

"Oh come on, I deserve this, I haven't slept in two days," Dante said. She pouted but then sat down next to them.

"I'll keep an eye on you two and make sure you don't ruin his date," she said.

"You just wanna spy too," Dante said with a grin. She glared at him. They looked over to see how the date was going. Sparda sat down and stared in horror. Before him was the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

"My name is Brunehilda, let's get married!" She said in a deep man like voice. Sparda burst into tears.

"I want my old wife! She was beautiful!" He sobbed. "First I find out my grandchild and son are drunks. Then I discover my other son turned evil and died and my wife died too. Then it turns out my living son hates me. Now this little girl thinks you would make a fitting girlfriend for me!" This isn't worth it anymore! I'm going back to hell for a nice vacation!" Sparda wailed. Then there was a flash of smoke and he was gone. Dante, Nero, Patty, and Vergil all sat (and floated) in a stunned silence. Brunehilda burst into tears.

* * *

_** In Hell**_

* * *

"It's Sparda! We must kill him for his treachery!" A demon yelled. Suddenly it stopped as it saw that he was crying. "Erm, are you okay?" It asked.

"No!" He wailed. He then told it all of his problems. The demon patted him on the back.

"It'll be alright, you just stay here and soon you'll realize being a good guy doesn't give you anything but trouble," the demon said. He just sobbed and thanked the demon for its attempts at comforting him. _I'm just glad I didn't actually have to fight him_ the cowardly demon thought.

* * *

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Devil May Cry; I do own the random demon and Brunehilda thou**__**gh.**_

_**AN: I just came up with the rules for haunting out of nowhere. I would like to thank my older brother for coming up with almost all of the ideas for this chapter.  
**_


	13. Dante's Diary: Third Entry

_**Humorous DMC Tales

* * *

**_

_**Dante's Diary

* * *

**_

_So far nobody knows this journal exists. Apparently, nobody is brave enough to search the Devil May Cry for anything of mine they could use to embarrass_

_or black mail me with because of how dirty the place is. Lady found a dead rat in the fridge the other day. Seeing her scream and jump away from the_

_fridge was priceless! Strange isn't it? She battles demons and gets covered in their blood after killing them and it doesn't phase her, but one dead rat has her screaming like a little girl. Women are weird.  
_

* * *

**_Entry 3 (DMC Anime)

* * *

_**

_I thought it would be a simple mission. Escorting some little brat, I mean girl, to a mansion while keeping her safe from demons and other nasty things._

_Little did I know I would be stuck with this nuisance for many years to come. Even after her mother came back she still visited so she could annoy me!_

_Anyway, Patty was just being used by some other girl with the same name and now she's stalking me. Yep, it's been two years now and she's still_

_bugging me... After the whole thing with Patty I just started doing some random jobs like usual. The only thing unusual about it all was that this really_

_ugly and pathetic demon kept showing up. It seemed like he was up to something, which he was, but I'll get to that later. His name was Sid (which isn't a_

_particularly demonic sounding name) and he was possible the most pathetic demon I've ever met._  
_  
Wait, I take that back. There was this sissy demon that fell in love with a human girl. Some demons may argue that love made him weak but then what_

_about Sparda? He wasn't weak and he loved humans. Anyway, this guy wouldn't even fight back when I was about to kill him! How pathetic is that? Still, I_

_was glad to hear that he married the human girl. Also, I met this really stupid guy later on who thought I was his childhood friend. Anthony, that's the_

_name he kept calling me. I saved his butt despite how stupid and annoying he was and then he started threatening me! I badly wanted to go Devil Trigger_

_and scare the crap out of him but I restrained myself. By the end it turned out Sid had been up to something and he turned himself into a "powerful" demon_

_with a sissy name. Abigail, I believe it was. I kicked his butt of course, I've met humans tougher than him._  
_  
Then he says that I'm a good guy so I'll spare him. What an idiot. When have I ever claimed to be goody goody? I gladly blew his brains out. Patty was_

_reunited with her mother whom she had believed to be dead and everyone was happy. Except me._  
_  
Patty is still annoying the crap out of me cause apparently that's her idea of a hobby. Man, why do all of my "friends" annoy me worse than most of my enemies do?

* * *

_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own the Devil May Cry anime or game series.**_

**_AN: I plan on wrapping this fic up soon. I'll complete this and the Competition and then I'll just make some chapters for stuff like Christmas and Halloween._**


	14. The Competition Part 6

_**Humorous DMC Tales**_

* * *

_**The Competition Part 6**_

* * *

It had been a month since Dante and Nero had been kicked out of the Fighters Guild. The adoring fan had seen how boring Dante had become and so decided to stalk some more interesting adventurer named Elrith Relven _**(AN: She is a Mystic Elf, which is a species you can only play as through mods, whom I created. She is an extremely sneaky and deadly assassin who is part of the Dark Brotherhood. She was my favorite character I ever made and I loved her so much that I never deleted her even though I had run out of quests to do as her).**_ They had already spent 3/4 of the prize money they had gotten from the arena and they were very bored. They had done a few miscellaneous jobs for people here and there to keep from going broke but it wasn't enough to keep them from falling into boredom. One day they were walking through the streets of Bravil when they heard an interesting conversation between two people from the mages guild.

"Hey, did you hear? A High Elf named Aseph Dy'nessa from the Arcane University said that he's found a way to turn back time!" A female Argonian exclaimed.

"No way, that can't be true," the Imperial she was talking to said in disbelief.

"Did you here that? Maybe he could turn back time so that our planet was never destroyed!" Nero said excitedly.

"I don't know... Sounds like a lie to me, nobody can really do something like that," Dante said skeptically.

"Well we won't know unless we go talk to him, will we?" Nero said. So they set off to the Arcane University.

* * *

_**Two Days Later**_

* * *

"We're here to meet Aseph Dy'nessa," Nero said to one of the guards standing next to the doors that led into the Arcane University. The two guards exchanged dark looks. "What? Is there a problem?" Nero asked.

"Yeah, you do realize that guys a mad man, right?" One of the guards asked.

"Is he dangerous?" Nero asked.

"In our eyes he is. His spells are constantly going wrong. It's addled his brain. Now he keeps saying he's invented these wonderful new spells when in reality they're all just a load of crap. He once said he'd made a spell to make a person beautiful beyond comparison. He used it on a girl and in turned all of her hair purple and gave her a giant nose," the guard said. Dante laughed. "It's no laughing matter. Eventually one his spells could cause some real damage," the guard said.

"Well, we want to meet him anyway," Nero said.

"You sure about this, Nero?" Dante asked.

"I am," Nero said.

"I'll take you to him," the guard said with a sigh. "The guys got his own building to himself. Nobody wants to sleep in the same place as him," the guard said. Nero and Dante walked into the house.

"Hey Aseph! You here?" Dante yelled. There was an explosion of pink smoke and a man emerged from it.

"I'm him, no need to yell," the man coughed. He was tall, even for a high elf; he had white hair that stood strait up. His eyebrows had apparently been burnt off, and he had a big fuzzy white mustache. "What do you need me for?" Aseph asked.

"We wanted to ask you about your spell that can turn back time," Nero said.

"Oh yes, that. Well, it seems the spell it not yet complete. You see, it can only turn back time to a few minutes ago, which I can't imagine would be all that useful. It seems that it needs to prepare for exactly seven days to be truly useful. Or was it seven years? I never can remember the little details," he said with a puzzled expression.

"Yeah, I don't think I'll take my chances," Dante said as he started backing toward the door.

"You can give up but I'm not. Could you prepare it for me?" Nero asked Aseph.

"Why of course! Though I need to know if you're friend wishes to try it as well because it will need to prepare seven extra days then," Aseph said. Nero looked at Dante questioningly.

"Fine! If this harms my good looks though then you're gonna pay for it," Dante growled at Aseph.

"It would help if you could bring me back some rare and magical things to help strengthen the spell. I'll need seven daedra hearts, one varla stone, and five Welkynd stones," he said.

"What the hell are those?" Dante asked. Aseph huffed and then explained what they were and where to find them. "That doesn't sound too hard, just gotta explore some ruins and slay some demons," Dante said.

* * *

_**14 Days Later**_

* * *

"We're back!" Nero said as he stepped through the door.

"Good! Good! Did you bring everything I asked for?" Aseph asked.

"Yep, and this weird thing called a sigil stone. I'm the one who found most of the stuff, " Dante added proudly.

"No way! I got the most important stuff, weird glowing round things don't count," Nero huffed.

"Ooooh, I needed that, not the hearts! I'm glad you brought it or the spell would have been a failure!" Aseph exclaimed.

"But you said-" Nero began.

"Oh I know what I said! But I was thinking of a different spell when I said that. My memory just isn't the same anymore," he said with a sad shake of his head.

"What if we hadn't taken it! ?" Dante exclaimed.

"You're an adventurer! One of the main things you do is snatch important looking things," Aseph said.

"He's got a point," Nero said. Dante just grumbled. "Relax, we'll be out of here soon and then I can be with Kyrie again," Nero said cheerfully.

"That's why you've been so tolerant of this guy! You were day dreaming about your girlfriend!" Dante growled.

"At least I had one," Nero mumbled.

"What did you say?" Dante growled.

"Boys! Boys! Calm down! The spell is complete and you will be returned to the time right before the tragedy to you planet, as well as your city, happened!" Aseph said cheerfully. "You must be within contact of one another when I activate the spell," he said. They glared at each other and then held hands. Aseph cast the spell and then suddenly they were gone.

* * *

_**Several Moments Later**_

* * *

"We're back home! Everything will be alright now!" Nero said cheerfully.

_Back to having to deal with my debts... Wish I could have kept all that gold..._ Dante thought drearily.

* * *

_**Meanwhile...**_

* * *

_Oh dear, it seems I used too much power. It was only 14 hours that was needed, not days. Time will be set back more than it should have... _Aseph thought. _Oh well, nothing I can do about it now!_ He thought cheerfully.

* * *

_**Back with Nero and Dante**_

* * *

Nero was turning to head home when suddenly A T-Rex stomped by.

"W-what's going on?" He stuttered. They looked around and then it dawned on them.

"This is the age of the dinosaurs!" Dante exclaimed.

* * *

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing from Oblivion or Devil May Cry but I do own Aseph Dy'nessa.**_

_**AN: That is the last The Competition chapter I shall ever write. I know the ending seemed rushed but I was in a hurry.**_


	15. Dante's Diary: Fourth Entry

_**Humorous DMC Tales

* * *

**_

_**Dante's Diary

* * *

**_

_You may be wondering why my writing style keeps changing. Well, it's cause I'm not sure how you're supposed to write in a journal_

_I guess it doesn't matter._

* * *

_**Entry 4 (DMC 4)

* * *

**_

_I would have just stayed out of this one but Lady and Trish dragged me into it. I was on a normal mission, slay some annoying_

_old preacher dude who had turned himself and some of his followers into demons. Well, I blew his brains out as planned but there_

_was a kid there who apparently took a disliking to me. He turned out to be pretty good in a fight and strangely enough he looked a_

_lot like myself. He had this strange demonic arm that he used against me. I knew this kid wasn't a bad guy so I didn't want to kill_

_him. I kept myself from going devil trigger while he pounded my face in and ran me through with my own sword (I really get tired of that)_

_and then I left. A good deal of this adventure was shared by the kid, whose name is Nero. We fought again, this time I started the fight._

_He was gonna get himself killed by going into a battle while in a terrible temper so I decided to help cool him down. I kicked his butt, of course,_

_and then left after telling him my name and him telling me his. He ended up failing in his attempt at rescuing his girlfriend once again and_

_it was up to me to save the day, as usual. I found out that apparently this noob, I mean kid, had managed to not kill a single boss demon!_

_Well, he did kill one of the toads but it had about fifty siblings so that didn't count. I killed them, retrieved some devil arms, and then moved_

_on. Eventually I caught up with the old fart and fought his ugly statue. I broke a bunch of important looking stuff on it and then drove the Yamato_

_into it. Nero woke up and took care of things from there. Which is to say, he killed the old fart and rescued his damsel in distress. I'm not_

_use to damsels in distress, all the women I know can handle themselves. Anyway, we said bye to each other and then went our separate ways._

_Nero seemed like he had a lot of potential in him, he was a nice kid, and he was probably my nephew. The only thing I really got against_

_him is that got a girlfriend and I still haven't... Speaking of Nero, I have a feeling the kid would've had an easier time of beating the old fart_

_if stupid Trish hadn't given him the Sparda! Couldn't she have taken him a different devil arm? Do women live to make my life hell?_

* * *

_**Disclaimer:**** I don**'**t own Devil May Cry**_


	16. Dante's Diary: Fifth Entry

_**Humorous DMC Tales**_

* * *

_** Dante's Diary**_

* * *

_This will probably be my last entry, writing in this thing is kinda boring and it's not like anyone other than me is reading it._

_Oh, and one final message to anyone (Lady, Trish, Nero, or Patty) who finds this. Ha ha, I bet you were hoping to find_

_some embarrassing secrets weren't you? Well too bad, cause I'm so great I don't have any embarrassing secrets. I take that back._

_There was the time I got so drunk I proposed to a mop... Crap, I shouldn't have wrote that. I need an eraser. Never mind,_

_this is a pen, crap._

* * *

_** Entry 5 (DMC 2)**_

* * *

_To tell the truth, I wasn't quite myself during all this. I had gone into a slight depression upon realizing how much my life sucked._

_No family left alive (except my nephew). All my friends annoy the crap out of me and steal things (devil arms, money, and pizza mostly) from me. I **STILL**_

_don't have a girlfriend. And my life is filled with plot holes thanks to Capcom. Speaking of Capcom, I blame them for my sudden onset of emoness._

_Anyway, some chick named Lucia needed my help. I fought some demons and met an old woman. I fought some more demons, wondered what happened_

_to the plot, and eventually ran into some dude named Arius. He was ugly and stupid, just like the rest of the villains. I ended up tricking him by_

_giving him a coin that wasn't the magical artifact he wanted. I fought him, which was annoying because he was a coward and kept teleporting away from_

_me. To make a long story short, I comforted an emo Lucia, went to hell, fought some bosses, and then got stuck in hell. If you wish to know how_

_I got out of hell read the story Dante's Return. By the way, Capcom has yet to release another game so my life is pretty normal right now. Hopefully_

_they'll continue to leave me in peace and annoy Nero instead._

* * *

_**Disclaimer: I don't own DMC**_


	17. A DMC Christmas Part 2

_**Humorous DMC Tales**_

* * *

_**A DMC Christmas Part 2**_

* * *

_**AN: This story takes place when Dante and Vergil were children.**_

* * *

_****_Eva had sent the twins off to bed but they couldn't sleep. "What do you think Santa got us?" Dante asked.

"You still believe in him? Grow up, Dante," Vergil said while shaking his head. Dante looked horrified.

"I hope he gives you a big lump of coal!" Dante shot back.

"At least I don't have a bunch of dirty magazines hidden from Mom," Vergil said with a smirk.

"How did you know about those! ?" Dante exclaimed.

"Dante, we share the same room, how do you think, you idiot?" Vergil replied.

"But I thought you were always asleep when I was looking at them!" Dante whined.

"Nope, I was completely awake. So remember that, next time you annoy me I'll tell Mom," Vergil threatened.

"I'll be your slave for a month! Just don't tell her!" Dante begged.

"Okay, I accept," Vergil said with a triumphant grin.

"What presents did you wish for?" Dante asked suddenly.

"I'm hoping for a cool coat like Dad use to wear, his was purple but I want blue," Vergil said. "What about you?" Vergil asked.

"There's too many things to name. Vergil, do you ever wish Dad could be with us on Christmas too?" Dante asked.

"Huh? I never really thought about it, I don't really miss him cause I never really got to know him," Vergil said with a shrug.

"I agree, but Mom seems sad on occasions like this, I think she misses him. Why did he leave? Did he even care about us?" Dante asked sadly.

"Who says he left us? He could have just died," Vergil said. Vergil saw that Dante was about to start crying. "I'm sorry, I was just trying to make you feel better. What I meant was, maybe he did love us but had to leave. Maybe he's off fighting demons and saving people," Vergil said quickly.

"You think so?" Dante asked.

"I know so, and some day I'm gonna become as strong as he is," Vergil said firmly.

"And so am I!" Dante said with a grin. The twins fell asleep soon after. Dante dreamed of their father slaying demons and rescuing pretty girls. He brought the girls home and gave them to Dante as Christmas presents to be his first girlfriends. Vergil dreamed of all the things he would make Dante do for him the rest of the month.

* * *

_**The Next Morning**_

* * *

Vergil moaned as he felt someone pull his covers off and start poking him.

"Vergil, wake up! It's Christmas!" Dante shouted.

"Fine," Vergil groaned. He got up and followed a hyper Dante into the living room.

"Merry Christmas!" Eva said with a smile.

"Can we open them now Mom? Pleeeeease?" Dante begged.

"Yes, you can open them," Eva said. Dante dove under the tree and started handing out the presents. He pulled out two large, long, and heavy packages for him and Vergil. "Open those last," Eva said. Dante just nodded as he tore onto his other presents.

"I got everything I put on my Christmas list that I gave to Mom to send to Santa! See, Vergil, I told you he existed!" Dante said cheerfully.  
Vergil just shook his head and ignored him. After a little bit they had opened all their presents except the last two.

"You open yours first, Vergil," Eva said. He nodded and opened. He stared in amazement. Laying before him was a real katana! "This was once your fathers. It's name is Yamato, use it well," Eva said. Vergil nodded as he stared at it in awe. Dante ripped his package open. It contained a sword as well. "It has never been used before, I had it crafted just for you. I named it Rebellion for your rebellious spirit, which is just like your father's," Eva said.

"Thank you!" Dante shouted as he hugged Eva fiercely. She laughed and hugged him back.

"You're both welcome," she said.

"Hey, Vergil, mine's bigger than yours!" Dante shouted.

"But mine's cooler, and it was Dad's. I bet you couldn't even swing yours," Vergil said with a sneer.

"Oh yeah?" Dante replied. The twins took off running through the mansion swinging their new swords about.

_I wonder if that was a good idea, maybe I should have waited till they were older... At least they're enjoying themselves_ Eva thought.

* * *

_**A Few Minutes Later**_

* * *

Eva was sitting in a chair in the living room drinking some hot chocolate. She was looking out the window at the snow covered ground and feeling peaceful. Until she heard a thud and then screaming and crying. "Mom!" she heard Vergil shout.

_Oh no..._ she thought with a feeling of dread. She ran in the direction she'd heard the noises. The scene before her would have made a normal mom faint. Vergil was standing there with a mixed expression of amusement and concern. Dante was laying on the ground in a pool of blood with the Rebellion rammed all the way through his gut. He was crying and trying to pull it out. Eva quickly ran over and very gently pulled it out for him. She held him to her and petted his head until his crying reduced to sobs. She turned to look at Vergil. "What happened?" she asked.

"He tripped and fell," Vergil replied simply.

"Are you okay?" she asked Dante.

"I think so, it's only a little sore now," Dante said shakily. She smiled and wiped the tears off his face.

"Be careful from now on, okay?" she said.

"I promise," Dante said with a smile. Then he bounced back up. "Wanna go outside? We can build snowmen then test our new swords on them!"  
Dante said excitedly.

"I think you tested your sword pretty well," Vergil said.

"Well I hope you give it the same test!" Dante shouted. Then the twins dashed outside while still arguing. Eva just smiled and shook her head.

_I wish Sparda could be here to show these boys how to use a sword_ she thought. She laughed at the thought of the great demon Sparda teaching two 6 year olds how to swing a sword properly.

* * *

_**AN: Well, would you say this was better than my 1st DMC Christmas? I think it was.**_  
_**  
**_

_**Disclaimer: I own the Devil May Cry games, but not their contents.**_


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